The Iron Golem Tour and Giveaway

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iron golem

Enjoy Happy Geek Media’s virtual tour of The Iron Golem from the Monster Squad Series!



The Iron Golem (Monster Squad Series book1) by: Author Christian Page

Published by: New Generation Publishing

Release date: on November 30, 2014

Genres: Middle-Grade, Paranormal, Tween

Pages: 231

Age Level: 8 – 12 | Grade Level: 6 – 8


Monsters. Mad Scientists. Danger.

Dark forces are converging on the sleepy town of Autumn’s Hallow. Monsters in the woods, mad scientists on the loose and sinister minions lurk. Four young friends must band together to uncover a secret plot that threatens them, the town they live in and the people they love. It’s up to Blaine Davis, Daschle Gaunt, Shelley Merry and Drake Harker, heirs to fantastic powers to stop an evil that threatens to consume the world. Can the Monster Squad thwart the evil Victor von Frankenstein in time? Find out in The Iron Golem, Book 1 of an exciting new series!

“Here is the mine,” Lonn commented, as he turned off the main road onto a bumpy gravel driveway. A sign read Roswell Salt Flats Mining Company, Founded 1896.  The place had seen better days. The gravel path they travelled down led to a scramble of abandoned wooden mining buildings far off the main road. The buildings were built in a semi-circle near a collection of sheer walls ringing this part of the valley. Closed since the 10 early days of the Depression, the mine was abandoned with few visitors, mostly kids who used the odd intact window for target practice. Lonn pulled in front of what once was the Head Office and applied the emergency brake to his weathered truck. He turned off his headlamps.

“We should wait for Peter,” Lonn said.

Edge leaned forward and clicked the radio on. “Well I, for one, would like to be regaled by more mindless American radio drama.”

Mina sighed loudly and laid her head back on the seat in mock desperation.

“This is a strange place we find ourselves, Buck Barkstar,” Flash Asteroid fretted. Eerie alien music

played in the background.

“The Pirate Commander said we were crash landing on Earth, but this is like no Earth I’ve ever seen…”

Footsteps crunched loudly as the duo traversed the alien landscape.

“Rare roo you think we are, Rash?” Buck whispered, nervously.

**New Generation Publishing’s 2014 Children’s Book of the Year Award Winner**









Christian Page loves stories that combine fun, action and adventure. A father of two, he lives in the Pacific Northwest of the United States with his wife, son, daughter, overly plump cat and under-behaved dog.



Good luck and happy winning and reading!

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Princess Nevaeh Book Tour and Giveaway

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Princess Nevaeh

Princess Nevaeh is a cute story about a girl who learns to be a princess from her Mimi through self worth and being kind. It’s a heartwarming book with adorable pictures that helps readers learn the importance of manners, listening, and being the best that we can be.


Welcome to Happy Geek Media’s Debut of Princess Nevaeh by Author Paulette Harper

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Princess Nevaeh by Author Paulette Harper

Genre: Children’s Books

Release date: September 4, 2014

4 – 7 K – 3

34 pages



Princess Nevaeh by Author Paulette Harper

Six year old Nevaeh wants to be something she already is. She will soon learn that her wish to be a princess takes a little bit more than just asking.

Some of the Lessons taught in Princess Nevaeh:

1.Self- Worth

2. Behavioral skills: fighting, bullying, and name calling.

3.Encouraging the kid to do better)

4.Teaches manners and how to conduct themselves.
5. It encourages listening skills pertaining to adults, parents and teachers. In regards to listening and obeying adults: this is a great opportunity for parents to share with the child the difference between those you can trust and those you can’t.

These types of story books are perfect for kids to learn, improve and grow.

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Purchase on Amazon here/Check out Reviews on Goodreads

Right now, enjoy the novel discounted at only $2.99 right now!

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Author Paulette Harper

Beginning her career in 2008, Paulette is an award-winning, bestselling author and the founder of WNL Coaching and Marketing Services.

Along with being an ordained Elder, she is the author of several books and founder of Write Now Literary Virtual Book Tours, a service to help promote authors of the Christian genre and authors of clean books.

As an inspirational and motivational speaker, Elder Paulette’s desire is to empower, influence and cultivate women to move forward while dealing with issues that hinder women from becoming all they are created to be. Her topics are biblically sound and pertinent to the needs of today’s women. Paulette is a wife, mother, grandmother and Bible teacher. Paulette has appeared on numerous radio and Television shows.

Combining enthusiasm with an energetic speaking style, audiences describe Paulette’s presentation as inspiring, enriching and encouraging. She is committed to speaking a message that is always uplifting and edifying.

As a writing coach, she is the visionary behind her own writing ministry called “Write Now,” a literary program that specializes in coaching aspiring writers in the areas of creativity, development, and publication of Christian books. She provides her listeners with tools, resources, and opportunities to help them succeed in the writing business.

Her books have ranked consecutively on the Black Christian Publishers Bestsellers List for Independent Publishers (non-fiction category). Connect with her below…

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Good luck and happy reading and winning!

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Sons of the Sphinx Tour and Giveaway

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Sons of the Sphinx
Sons of the Sphinx tour

Enjoy Happy Geek Media’s debut of Sons of the Sphinx

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Sons of the Sphinx

Sons of the Sphinx by: Cheryl Carpinello

Genres: Pre-Teen/Tween/YA: Paranormal; Coming of Age; Adventure; Historical Fiction

126 Pages

Release date: October 10, 2014

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Two souls
Separated by three millennium
One with a gift that is more like a curse
One on an almost impossible quest
Destinies entwined; one seeks to find herself while the other seeks his lost queen. To succeed, the pair must right the injustices 3,000 years in the past.
Only together can they fulfill The Prophecy, but in the process they must defeat the Pharaoh Horemheb.
Dishonor and death are the fate of the defeated.

Armed with what she considers her grandmother’s curse, 15-year-old Rosa agrees to help the ghost of King Tut find his lost queen Hesena. Though Hesena’s ba inhabits part of Rosa, finding the whole spirit of Hesena so that she and Tut can be together for the first time in over 3500 years proves to be a harder task than Rosa first thinks. Thrust back into Ancient Egypt with Tut, Rosa discovers that finding Hesena is not all she must do. She must keep out of the reach of the living Horemheb – who crosses mortal boundaries using Seth’s evil magic – if she is to stay alive to make it back home.

2014 Literary Classics Silver Medal Winner for PreTeen/Tween

Literary Classics 2014 Seal of Approval

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Purchase Links for Sons of the Sphinx



Nov 10th Like a Bump on a Blog Kick-off post

Nov 11th Desafío In The City Spotlight & Excerpt

Nov 12th The Writer’s Jouney Spotlight, Excerpt & Q&A

Nov 13th Ciara Ballintyne Spotlight & Playlist

Nov 13th Creativity from Chaos Spotlight & Excerpt

Nov 14th I Sold My Soul For Books Review

Nov 17th Learn Small Business Review & Excerpt

Nov 19th Christina Majaski Spotlight & Review

Nov 20th Debra’s World Review & Q&A

Nov 21st Peanut Butter and Whine Spotlight & Excerpt

Dec 1st Semmes Savers Review & Q&A

Dec 2nd Staring Out the Window Review

Dec 3rd Author Stacy Claflin Spotlight & Q&A

Dec 4th Becca Hamilton Books Spotlight

Dec 4th Rachel McLllelan Books Review & Spotlight

Dec 5th B.C. Brown Books Spotlight


Cheryl Carpinello

Cheryl Carpinello is a retired high school English teacher who loves the ancient and medieval worlds. It is because of her teaching career that she has chosen to write stories to encourage reluctant young readers to pick up a book more often. She found that in the classroom, students would read the Arthurian Legend literature when they would read nothing else. This experience led to her Arthurian tales that have now expanded into the ancient worlds.




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Good luck and happy winning and reading!

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Happy Geek Media



Google Image Search: Your Fake Online Dating Profiles Are Screwed

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Google Image Search

I know. It’s been a while. It seems like every damn time I blog it starts out like this. To anyone who is still around, you’ll be happy to know I plan on blogging more. 1 Also, this time I have super important information to share. At least it seems important to me and it’s regarding online dating but then again, I thought the same of Most Memorable Emails so maybe I just shouldn’t be trusted to use words like “super” or “important”.

Anyway, not too long ago I started chatting with a guy on OkCupid (way back in February or something) and almost immediately asked why it seemed like he already knew me. (I am suspicious everyone I meet is actually an ex-boyfriend pretending to be someone else, by the way.) He said he read my blog and found everything about me online through Google Image Search. I mean, this is before we even exchanged last names or Facebook friended each other. I should have known this could happen, because duh, I work on the Internet but let’s ignore that for now. Usually I wait until a Facebook friendship before giving out my full name because by then I assume it’s Google time and everyone’s going to be scrambling to Google background check each other.

Because of him, I tried out Google Image Search with my own photos and of course it worked. My Facebook profile and every other site that has my photo popped up. I didn’t give it much thought again until my writer friend Raisa posted on Facebook that she found out one of the people she was chatting with on a dating site was using a famous Bollywood star’s photo. Listen up, ugly people. If you’re going to use a fake photo don’t use a famous person’s photo.

I ended up taking a break from online dating as I usually do because it’s so damn dumb I can hardly take it sometimes. But then I went back recently because apparently I am always expecting it to be less dumb the fifth or sixth time around. 2 I was reminded of Google Image Search again when a guy said he simply looked online for St. Cloud and Internet writer and found my blog. Actually, he said there were only three Internet writers in St. Cloud, Minnesota and the other two are dudes. Which brings up something else I need to address…who are you other two Internet writers in St. Cloud? I need to fix this because Christina Majaski should be the only Internet writer in St. Cloud. Get off my GOOGLE. 3

I told him I didn’t care that he found me but it reminded me to use Google Image Search on some of the guys who have been messaging me . So, I did. And here’s how you can too, in case you need to find out who these people on the online dating sites really are.

1. Upload the photo. There are other ways, but the easiest for me is uploading the photo to my computer first. I realize this is creepy and I hope you fools aren’t just uploading photos to your computer to Photoshop yourselves onto someone else’s body, but whatever. I can’t be the Internet Popo all the time. If you want to search a photo, upload it to your computer by right clicking on the image and selecting “Save Image As”. Rename it or remember the folder you save it in so you can find it later.

2. Go to Google Images.

3. Click on the camera.

Google Image Search4. Choose “Upload an image” and then “Choose File” and upload the image from wherever on your computer you saved it to when I told you to upload the image.

Google Image Search

You should see results for wherever else on the Internet that photo may have been used. I have tried it on five photos so far. One came up with three different OkCupid profiles, one came up on a woman’s Google+ profile as a photo with her on one side and dude on the other side captioned, “We Love Each Other” or whatever, really recently. A couple photos by the same guy had no results, which means those photos are nowhere else online and dude is either smart and not using those photos anywhere except OkCupid (which we should all probably do), or has no online identity, which in 2014 is downright outlandish to me. (But, maybe that’s just me.)

Have you used Google Image Search? What did you find? If you haven’t yet, try it out (it doesn’t have to be a photo on OkCupid) and let me know what you come up with. Fingers crossed for lots of Bollywood stars.

  1. I think I say this every time, too. I mean it this time.
  2. Incidentally, it is not less dumb.
  3. I know, I am so not slick.



April Fools Day Pranks: I Will Cut You

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April Fools Day

I already addressed April Fools pranks in an A to Z post last year, but since I only made it to the letter ‘C’ during the challenge, I took it down. It’s a shame really, because the last A to Z Challenge was supposed to be a Bitchery Triad collabo where we all wrote on the theme, “Reasons I Will Bust a Cap in Yo Ass” or maybe it was “Reasons I Will Kick Your Ass”. Like a whole alphabet of reasons. How awesome is that.

Anyway, the post was useful so I thought I should restructure and make it even MORE useful since April 1st is approaching and because it’s already one of those shitty “special” days – only made less shitty than other “special” days because there is no imaginary character sneaking into your crib to drop off loads of candy for no reason.

April Fools Day is Dumb. So Dumb

I am a fairly easy-going person and typically laugh all day long AT people 1 , but for some reason April Fools’ jokes make me want to curb stomp people I wouldn’t normally want to curb stomp . 2 I tried to remember what pranks were like growing up, and I don’t remember them being funny back then either. I would only consider an April Fools’ prank funny if the person pranking gets hurt or maimed. Like whoopsie I burnt down my own house trying to get rid of a hornet’s nest with a flame thrower. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY, BITCHES.  (I should stop referring to that very real incident, but I just can’t.)

Hallmark needs me.

I’m here for you, Hallmark.

I remember asking a co-worker at a new job if the office was big on pranks not because I wanted to prank anyone, but because I seriously wondered if I could be fired for cutting someone over an April Fools joke. She said, “Not really.” 3

I thought, “Good. because I am a new employee and will totally use my new girl card after I cut a co-worker for using the first day of April as an excuse for messing with my food.” I stay armed with bullshit repellent which just so happens to include a holster of Fool, I Will Cut You. 

I realize some of my dearest friends and family members will announce on Facebook that they are pregnant or getting married or are suicidal just because it’s April Fools’ Day. I will let those slide only because a handful of morons will fall for it every damn time. 4 And if you are really suicidal, I am genuinely sorry but April Fools’ Day is just a bad day to reach out and you should really be pissed off about that. 5

If you want to impress me, prank the whole world on a day NOT designated for pranking people like Valentine’s Day or Columbus Day, which commemorates the granddaddy of all pranks anyway, right. That would be funny. Otherwise, I am going to wonder:

A.  Why are you so not clever?

B.  What kinds of morons did you fool with that nonsense? You need new friends.

C.  If you get mad when I reply, “Hahaha, right. No one in their right mind is going to impregnate you,” GET OUT OF YOUR FEELINGS. You lied. Why am I the bad guy for telling the truth?

See how April Fools’ pranks are annoying? Let’s start a movement to ban this ridiculousness and just go back to lying to each other every day like normal. 6

Tell me you hate April Fools’ Day pranks as much as I do.

  1. and sometimes at nothing.
  2. I am not talking about small children or old people this time, either.
  3. Probably because she was thinking of cutting me.
  4. I am a different kind of moron.
  5. Seriously, call me. I got you.
  6. Cutting people over April Fools Day pranks is wrong, btw. Don’t do that.



What the Hell is Wrong With the Friends on My Strange Addiction?

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Because I'm a bear, bitches.

I’ve been watching My Strange Addiction lately. In the most recent episode (it’s probably old. I just got TV again -by the way, I apologize to the guys who were forced to watch my Fight Club DVD multiple times) the lady decided to tell her friend she’s addicted to eating cat food by inviting him over and casually asking, “Do you mind if I eat some cat treats?” And then she grabbed a bag from a cupboard filled up with bags of cat treats and started snacking away like she was eating Cheetos.

The friend of course was like, “Uh. I don’t think you should eat those…” and blah blah blah. To be honest, the cat treat addiction is probably the least wildest thing I’ve seen on My Strange Addiction. And if cat treats are poisonous, maybe we shouldn’t be feeding that shit to other living things, like CATS, for instance.

Anyway, there have been way crazier addictions, though. For example, the same episode features a woman who is addicted to whiffing moth balls. Not just like hey, wonder what these things smell like but like carrying them around in her purse and inhaling the refreshing old people closet scent of moth ball throughout the day. I have also watched episodes where people are addicted to dressing up like ponies and gallop around the yard like real live horses. It’s called Pony Play guys, and it’s a thing and they aren’t even trying to hide it.  Also, various people are addicted to eating mattress. They are pulling out the foam and eating it. One lady said it clogs up the toilet when it comes out and if she could rinse it off and eat it again, she would. BUT THAT WOULD BE TOO WEIRD, RIGHT?

Not to poke fun at addiction, of course. I have a shit load of my own problems and while none of my problems involve eating household cleaning products or pieces of furniture, I don’t have to tell you that a lot of stuff I do is probably not right. For instance, it’s 5:41 a.m. and I’m eating Raisin Bran Crunch (this is either today’s first breakfast or yesterday’s fifth dinner) with Al Green singing Love and Happiness to me in the background.

What I don’t get are where these people find the friends and family members of the mothball sniffers and mattress eaters who kind of blink blink blink when they are told their buddy has been whinnying around the yard with a saddle on her back for 15 years. I am not that friend, obviously, and I don’t have friends who would be okay with it. In fact, my friends and family members are more likely to say, “You want to pretend like you’re a pony? Fine. Then you’re going to give me a ride all the way to Walmart and back until you decide you don’t want to be a pony anymore.” Because also, WHO DOESN’T WANT A PONY RIDE and I would be so tired by the time I reached the driveway I would give up. Incidentally, the bear suit isn’t the same. I know I’m not a goddamn bear but I will wear a bear carcass.

Because I'm a bear, bitches.

Because Minnesota, bitches.

But if I were Pony Playing or mattress eating -at the very least, I would be told that shit ain’t right. And someone would insist I get help and not just reply with, “uh. blink blink blink” until I end up on a reality television show explaining how I’ve been drinking paint for 15 years.

Which brings me to my point. I am so desperately thankful for supportive friends and family who leave me the hell alone when I need to be left alone, but are THERE when shit gets real. And this means the yous who I only know online, who I’ve never met, who repeatedly fill my brain with, “You got this, girl” even when I am being a totally dysfunctional weirdo. If I were eating mattress foam I know someone would have the mattress replaced with an air bed and I’d probably do the same for you, BECAUSE GO AHEAD, TRY EATING THE STUFF INSIDE OF AN AIR BED BUT DO NOT TELL ME YOU EAT AJAX AND EXPECT ME TO ACT LIKE IT’S NORMAL.

Anyway, thanks, guys.

What would you do if you found out your friend or family member was addicted to pretending to be a pony, eating mattresses, or sniffing moth balls?

Also, you probably don’t want to Google pony play.

Btw, on XOJane and PayScale today. I get a lot of stuff done when I don’t sleep.



Something About Armpits and the Proper Way to Break Up

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Because this is how dreamy Clay was.

I spent grades three to seven in the hairy armpit that some people refer to as the state of Iowa. I think I am going to start calling my armpits Iowa, actually. Iowa and Iowa, except not hairy unless it’s Movember.

If you look closely, you can see Des Moines.

If you look closely, you can see Des Moines.

From third grade until somewhere in seventh grade, I had a crazy crush on a boy named Clay. No, really. They name their kids Clay in some places, guys. I happened to think Clay was so dreamy it never occurred to me until now what a weird name Clay is. I am also pretty sure I never used the word dreamy but for some reason in the process of writing this story I became a 60 year old woman. Which also explains why I don’t remember much about Clay except that once my mom’s friend pointed out Clay’s “ears are so big.” And then while pointing at a picture of a boy named Eric who I WRONGFULLY referred to as either Itchy or Scratchy, said, “Why don’t you like that boy? He’s cute.”

Being that everyone in this school grew up together, Clay was always going out with Christy. I don’t know how you get tied down like that in third grade but there were a lot of things that didn’t make sense. Because, Iowa. Fast forward to fifth grade and somehow the only Asian chick in Hairy Armpit ended up “going out” with Clay. I am talking about me, by the way.

Before you get all weirded out about fifth graders dating let me explain something. Going out meant absolutely nothing. (Sort of like now.) I don’t remember even talking to or seeing Clay during the two days we were going out. After those two days, Dumb Friend Chad approached the lunch table and asked if I minded if Clay broke up with me. So I said no. I mean for God’s sake, I didn’t even know if Clay was alive or in school at the time. He certainly wasn’t eating lunch with me and I was too busy with my girls discussing birds or cheese sandwiches or maybe how I was probably going to kick everyone’s asses in the spelling bee.

But even though I had no clue what going out meant or breaking up, I realized a few days or weeks later that I had been dumped. I don’t think it’s proper form anywhere to send your dumb friend to a lunch table to do it and I wondered until seventh grade why Clay had broken up with me – even though looking back it was clear he had ginormous ears in which I sincerely hope his tiny head grew into. The good news is, I just realized from now on I should name one armpit Iowa and the other Clay instead of just Iowa and Iowa because it makes more sense.

Because this is how dreamy Clay was.

Because this is how dreamy Clay was.

I only thought of this because a friend (I don’t really know him but we’re circled on Google+) posted that his girlfriend had broken up with him via text. I thought it was horrid but I started thinking of shitty ways relationships have ended. I remembered a time when I believed it was a perfectly legit way to break up with someone. To be clear, I had already broken up with this person multiple times, so finally, I just decided I wasn’t going to argue about it and sent the text. This text of course unleashed a shit shower of texts in shouty caps (which was not easy in the days of T9) which said things like:






And I was like, look. I’ve been breaking up with you for three six months. I don’t think this counts as being rude and frankly, this feels like a trap to make me see you again for another one last time for at least the tenth time, to flop around frantically in the arguing and drama trap for hours I don’t really have. I still kind of think it was the right thing to do but people have told me it’s never, never, ever okay to break up via text. I’m not talking about ending marriages here, but sometimes you just don’t want to deal with the drama. Not excusing my friend’s girlfriend because it sounded like it was a serious relationship where they were discussing marriage and stuff and I am a bit concerned that Jesus may for real be putting on his Jesus boots for her.

I don’t know if texting or sending your dumb friend to break up is right or wrong. I do know that no one enjoys break ups unless you are just a sick bastard. And if you are a sick bastard, I will show you a sick bastard. In the end it’s more about getting run over by the car and less about the type of car that ran you over. (I know. Getting so good at analogies.)

Is there really a good way to break up with someone? And why do we always feel like we need some kind of explanation?

What is the worst way a relationship has ended for you?

Also, if you were to name your armpits –




Stupid List Friday: Why I Can’t Pray For Duck Dynasty

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I thought I told you that we won't stop. I thought I told you that we won't stop. - P Diddy

I told myself I wouldn’t mention anything about Duck Dynasty because if you’re online at all, you’ve likely read and heard it all at least three times from family members, friends, strangers, stalkers, people who otherwise can’t read, and also maybe cat memes. If you want to get your point across, you have to use cat memes because as I’ve learned from a certain Facebook group I am in, no one gives a shit unless a cat is saying it.

I thought I told you that we won't stop. I thought I told you that we won't stop. - P Diddy

I thought I told you that we won’t stop. I thought I told you that we won’t stop. – P Diddy

And I am still not saying anything about Duck Dynasty. Except  I heard that people are praying for them and they are thankful for those prayers.

Don’t get me wrong. You can pray for whatever you like. I just feel like I should use my praying time for important stuff, like oh DEATH. Like, please don’t let ____ die. But if God is okay with us asking for ridiculous stuff like the preservation of Duck Dynasty – which you know is a TV show, right? I mean you don’t actually think Duck Dynasty is real, do you? (God, please don’t tell me people think Duck Dynasty is real.)

As I was saying…if God has time for Duck Dynasty prayers because famine and natural disaster and DEATH don’t take up enough of his time, then I have some prayers for stupid stuff too. I can’t pray for Duck Dynasty because I have too many other dumb things to pray for first. Like these 5 dumb things:

1. Please let Kody Brown be gay

I have been thinking lately that Kody Brown seems really detached from his wives. In fact, he probably doesn’t like kids either because he sort of seems detached from them also. Plus, there was that one episode where someone from High School said everyone thought he was gay anyway. I just think if you’re going to be on a show called, “Sister Wives” and you’re the only husband to four wives, that you should be able to be honest with the Universe and just come out. We don’t need to know how you made those 40 children – that’s your business.

2. I need snow boots with heels that would be considered appropriate

And by appropriate, I mean, boots that allow me to trudge through two feet of snow without “falling and breaking my neck.” A friend recently asked why the hell I was wearing heels in the winter and I had no good reason except heels. After pondering this for about two minutes, I realized there are no cute boots with heels that are meant to be worn on ice or in snow and since I am not really meant to wear Alaskan bear-hunting boots EXCEPT FOR WHEN I AM HUNTING BEARS, I believe this is a legitimate request that should be added to the THIS IS SO DUMB list of prayers.

3. Don’t let my daughter kick anyone in the nuts for real

Remember that time I tried to tell my daughter about kicking bad strangers in the nuts? Yeah, she said she needed to carry a cat around so it could scratch people for her which made me think she didn’t get it and we walked away from the topic much like we do when we discuss all of everything we ever discuss. Except she did sort of get it, guys, and today when I asked her what she was going to do if that little male heathen bothered her again, she said gleefully, “KICK HIM IN THE NUTS”.

Me: Uh no, I don’t think you should do that. You’re only supposed to kick in the privates if someone is hurting you or trying to snatch you.

Her: “KICK HIM IN THE NUTS,” she screamed again – and, if I may add, a bit too anthemy for my comfort.

Me: No. And please don’t run around school singing that.

I would ask God to please keep my child from kicking people in the nuts willy-nilly like it’s her job. Because, that’s my job.

4. A cure for chronic gas

Because seriously. Farting is wrecking my whole life.

5. For my Chucky on the Shelf idea to take off and make millions

You know how that Elf on the Shelf makes kids behave? I want to make a real Chucky doll that shows up around the house all year and scares the shit out of everyone. That’s how you make people behave. Because Chucky ain’t no joke. OKAY guys, the Chucky that kills everyone is probably not appropriate, but tell the truth, if you knew a real Chucky was going to show up every morning in your sink or next to your bed, you are going to act right. This would probably work with a real grizzly bear, also.

Anyway, serious question. What are you praying for? Is it Duck Dynasty? People are starving, jackass. But okay.



Let Me Tell You the Snowflake Button Story

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bert stare

I don’t know car stuff. I know that probably surprises you because I’m single and I pretend to be a fairly intelligent, independent woman. But, when it comes to cars I just can’t. This morning my car decided it wasn’t going anywhere because, “Damn, don’t you know it’s -30 degrees outside, biznatch?” (That’s what the car said to me.) And of course, my dad had to rescue me or I would still be sitting in the car talking to it. It reminded me of a bunch of car stories, one being about a snowflake button in a Pontiac G6.

And although my friends told me to never, ever, ever, tell anyone that story again, I feel like it’s a story that can help someone – sort of like the story about how an Amish buggy ran me off the road in the middle of the night in Iowa, except that story probably isn’t actually helpful. I swear to the baby Jesus it sounded like I had been attacked by darkness. Like the Headless Horseman was chasing me. I heard the wind, guys. And there really isn’t anything you can do when you’re attacked by a buggy tied up to a horse. What are you going to do, call 911? Yeah, okay. “I was just attacked by darkness,” always goes over well. Don’t ask me how I know that.

Anyway, the G6 was not a good winter-driving car. Whenever I stopped at a stop light it took a great deal of work to keep from sliding all over the damn intersection and crashing into everyone. That is, until I figured out I could press the snowflake button in the car a few times to make it drive better.

Dad: How’s the G6 in the snow?

Me: Well, it was crappy until I found the snowflake button.

Dad: Huh? What snowflake button?

Me: You know, that button with the snowflake that makes the car drive better in the snow.

bert stare

This kind of happens every time Dad talks cars with me.



bert stare

At this point, we are Bert staring each other.

Like, how was I supposed to know? I live in the arctic tundra – it’s always cold. It certainly didn’t get HOT when I pressed it. That would’ve been hella suspicious.

My friend: Ohhh. So you thought the snowflake button turned your car into a snowmobile?

No. Don’t be ridiculous. But let me tell you how this worked:

Stop light or stop sign. Go time. Snowflake button snowflake button snowflake button. Whew, didn’t crash into anything.

Look. I’m going to tell you about mind power. Because, until the whole world fell on the ground laughing about the snowflake button, it worked. That button got me through a couple winters and I just assumed it was something no one talked about because DUH, we also don’t talk about wearing hats in the winter. We just do it.

Turns out, the G6 needed new tires but I thought it made more sense to just get a whole new car. You know, it would’ve been way cheaper to just keep believing in the snowflake button.

Or maybe I need a life-chaperone.

bert stare




Stupid List Friday: Why Sister Wives Work But Brother Husbands Won’t

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Man in a tree

I’ve seen Sister Wives a couple times and I’ve actually been kind of impressed how all of the wives hold it down. Kody Brown (the husband) is a moron, but his four womens handle all those damn kids, get along, take care of their homes, and actually make Sister Wives look like a laid back kinda life.

I have no idea if I could be a Sister Wife, but I know I wouldn’t want to be married to Kody Brown’s silly ass even if I were the only wife. Maybe that’s why it works because if one of those wives had to have him around full-time, there would be a bunch of Kody Brown hair pulling and bitch slapping of Kody Brown going on.

I have wondered and mentioned on Twitter whether Brother Husbands may be a better idea, for me anyway. Instead of four women and one Kody Brown, what about one woman and four husbands?

1.  Too much laying around and ball scratching.

Like, I don’t know. Maybe you’re a different kind of dude but in my experience, men aren’t really comfortable unless they are scratching their privacy. And this activity goes hand in hand with TV watching, so pretty sure four husbands are going to spend a lot of time engaging in one or both of these activities. Then you have to constantly scream at a house full of dudes to wash their hands before touching the lettuce and end up turning into the crabby old mom of the house. And seriously, “Geez. Someone’s crabby” would be murmured like four hundred times a day.

2. Someone has to cook more than macaroni.

And it probably isn’t going to be me. I’m not cooking for four damn husbands and unless one of the husbands is a chef, you’re going to end up eating a lot of microwave burritos, hot pockets, Doritos, mac and cheese with bologna mixed in, and spaghetti because men love to say they’re cooking when they make spaghetti. DON’T LIE. YOU KNOW A GUY WHO SWEARS HE CAN COOK BECAUSE HE MAKES THE BEST SPAGHETTI.

3. How in the hell are you going to find four not crazy men?

Kody Brown found four fairly attractive, mostly intelligent, reasonable women to marry him. I don’t mean to offend men, but how the hell are you gonna find four not crazy men you want to keep around like that? Or four men who want to even be married? Trust me, the ones who will agree to it are the ones NO ONE WANTS and are really just looking for somewhere to live and eat macaroni.

4. There will be injuries from being stupid.

Four men are going to wrestle – or rassle because that just sounds funnier and someone is going to get hurt while rassling. Or someone will be injured in a fight over the XBox. Four husbands means multiple visits to the ER because they don’t know how to be entertained by sitting still for five damn minutes without falling out of tree or something. Or is that children I am thinking of. Same thing, sometimes.

Man in a tree

Well, okay. Don’t come crying to me when you get hurt.

5. You can’t leave men alone for four days.

On Sister Wives, the women ended up moving from a big house where everyone had their own spaces, to four separate homes. Poor Kody has to visit each home like Uncle Traveling Matt, every four days. The women do what they do while he’s gone, and when he returns they’re all happified. Men can’t be left alone for four days. Every time you visited a home, trees would be missing, shit would be burnt down, walls would be painted colors that don’t go with anything, and something would be wrecked. And then you’d have to pretend they did a good job so they wouldn’t get butt hurt.

After reading the replies on Twitter, I learned that the four husband/one wife situation has worked in some areas. Like Tibet.

And when men would go whaling for four years and had a good chance of dying and not returning.

That would probably work. What do you think?