I saw this on Facebook and thought it was funny. Then I realized one evening that I had become either the douchebag whisperer or the jackass whisperer…take your pick. (Ignore the hater part, I don’t really believe most people have “haters” but instead people that really do hate them.”
My friend Sev says I don’t suffer fools. Whatever that means but it sounds kick ass. It could mean I am crazy. I don’t know. Either way, I’ve noticed lately that instead of telling people to get bent as I normally would, I am actually replying and sticking around all the way until I wonder if I need medication. Clearly not the behavior of one who doesn’t suffer fools.
Why I Became the Jackass Whisperer
I blame Plenty of Fish. Although the profile has been deleted, I found myself not only annoyed by the messages and contacts, but feeling badly for everyone on there. I realized that while I was making fun of these men and their ridiculous-assed profiles, that they were really, really trying hard to find someone. They want the same thing everyone wants…to find THE ONE. And although it was clear from jump street that I was not their ONE, they still, either out of desperation or mental disorder, decided to give it a go and contact me.
And then the Biznatchery Grinch’s heart grew TWO sizes bigger (it is now the size of a rotten walnut) and she became all fluffy and soft about the dating game. She decided she’d probably not blog about the guys anymore nor laugh at them…after all, her ass was on the same damn dating site. No better; no worse.
All well and good. But once you start feeling sorry for and understanding jackasses, it’s all downhill I’ll tell you that right now. I didn’t turn into a jackass, just a jackass whisperer. Cat Whisperers don’t turn into goddamn cats. I somehow feel like I can translate and understand what is going on in their desperate minds and I feel sorry for them and think I’m supposed to be their only friend on earth. This sounds like it may just be Desperate Guy whispering, however if you haven’t met a desperate person, you aren’t familiar with how quickly they turn into jackasses.
Online Dating Tip: Don’t ever tell these fools you’re not interested. Tell them you don’t speak English. Tell them you have a penis. But save yourself from a firestorm of misspelled cuss words and do not tell them you’re not interested. Also, HELL NO I’M NOT GIVING YOUR WEIRD ASS MY PHONE NUMBER sort of propels Desperate Lonely Guy into Jackass really fast.
Jackass whispering is even almost manageable however, I’m bordering on douchebag whispering as well. In one night I received at least 10 text messages that were either rude, stupid, or completely meaningless, from guys who weren’t even jackasses initially. Under normal circumstances, during my “she doesn’t suffer fools” period of time, I would’ve replied to all of them to stop texting me, don’t call me…and to please get bent (people really don’t use this phrase enough anymore) or I’d just ignore the texts until they got tired of me not answering.
Instead, I’m replying like it’s my fucking job and it’s a national security issue if I don’t remain friends with these guys. I don’t have time for douchebag whispering and if no one is paying me for it, (in some areas of my life, I am being paid to be a douchebag whisperer) I am not doing it anymore.
You have been warned. No mas. 1
Here’s my question for you: How many jackasses and douchebags (male or female) are you currently in regular contact with, and why?
- And somewhere my mother may be weeping as she realizes I may be single forever. ↩
All over your inbox
- Cari Wegner on Why Friends With Benefits Is Bullshit
- Hugh Liddle on Why Friends With Benefits Is Bullshit
- Christina Majaski on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch
- Gofuckyourselfoldwoman on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch
- damnstraightchristina on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch