I’ve been watching My Strange Addiction lately. In the most recent episode (it’s probably old. I just got TV again -by the way, I apologize to the guys who were forced to watch my Fight Club DVD multiple times) the lady decided to tell her friend she’s addicted to eating cat food by inviting him over and casually asking, “Do you mind if I eat some cat treats?” And then she grabbed a bag from a cupboard filled up with bags of cat treats and started snacking away like she was eating Cheetos.
The friend of course was like, “Uh. I don’t think you should eat those…” and blah blah blah. To be honest, the cat treat addiction is probably the least wildest thing I’ve seen on My Strange Addiction. And if cat treats are poisonous, maybe we shouldn’t be feeding that shit to other living things, like CATS, for instance.
Anyway, there have been way crazier addictions, though. For example, the same episode features a woman who is addicted to whiffing moth balls. Not just like hey, wonder what these things smell like but like carrying them around in her purse and inhaling the refreshing old people closet scent of moth ball throughout the day. I have also watched episodes where people are addicted to dressing up like ponies and gallop around the yard like real live horses. It’s called Pony Play guys, and it’s a thing and they aren’t even trying to hide it. Also, various people are addicted to eating mattress. They are pulling out the foam and eating it. One lady said it clogs up the toilet when it comes out and if she could rinse it off and eat it again, she would. BUT THAT WOULD BE TOO WEIRD, RIGHT?
Not to poke fun at addiction, of course. I have a shit load of my own problems and while none of my problems involve eating household cleaning products or pieces of furniture, I don’t have to tell you that a lot of stuff I do is probably not right. For instance, it’s 5:41 a.m. and I’m eating Raisin Bran Crunch (this is either today’s first breakfast or yesterday’s fifth dinner) with Al Green singing Love and Happiness to me in the background.
What I don’t get are where these people find the friends and family members of the mothball sniffers and mattress eaters who kind of blink blink blink when they are told their buddy has been whinnying around the yard with a saddle on her back for 15 years. I am not that friend, obviously, and I don’t have friends who would be okay with it. In fact, my friends and family members are more likely to say, “You want to pretend like you’re a pony? Fine. Then you’re going to give me a ride all the way to Walmart and back until you decide you don’t want to be a pony anymore.” Because also, WHO DOESN’T WANT A PONY RIDE and I would be so tired by the time I reached the driveway I would give up. Incidentally, the bear suit isn’t the same. I know I’m not a goddamn bear but I will wear a bear carcass.
But if I were Pony Playing or mattress eating -at the very least, I would be told that shit ain’t right. And someone would insist I get help and not just reply with, “uh. blink blink blink” until I end up on a reality television show explaining how I’ve been drinking paint for 15 years.
Which brings me to my point. I am so desperately thankful for supportive friends and family who leave me the hell alone when I need to be left alone, but are THERE when shit gets real. And this means the yous who I only know online, who I’ve never met, who repeatedly fill my brain with, “You got this, girl” even when I am being a totally dysfunctional weirdo. If I were eating mattress foam I know someone would have the mattress replaced with an air bed and I’d probably do the same for you, BECAUSE GO AHEAD, TRY EATING THE STUFF INSIDE OF AN AIR BED BUT DO NOT TELL ME YOU EAT AJAX AND EXPECT ME TO ACT LIKE IT’S NORMAL.
Anyway, thanks, guys.
What would you do if you found out your friend or family member was addicted to pretending to be a pony, eating mattresses, or sniffing moth balls?
Also, you probably don’t want to Google pony play.
Btw, on XOJane and PayScale today. I get a lot of stuff done when I don’t sleep.