As someone who has always believed in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I thought it was important that I write some kind of holiday blog post. But then I realized that wasn’t me I was thinking of, but instead someone else who actually believes in the spirit of Valentine’s Day.
Luckily, I still have a blog post for you. Thanks of course to my friend over at Don’t Call Me Marge, who came up with the brilliant idea of writing something helpful for Valentine’s Day 2013. 1 And since there is SO much talk about the friend zone and SO much bullshit out there about the friend zone, she thought we could provide somewhat of a PSA for all of the clowns celebrating Valentine’s Day from the
basement friend zone – which is more helpful than my typical relationship advice which is “she doesn’t want you. Leave her alone and stop being a loserface.” 2
Getting Out of the Friend Zone
Long story short, you probably aren’t going to get out of the friend zone. First of all, don’t listen to the bitches who tell you to hang in there and keep trying. If you are in the friend zone, that means the person who friend zoned you probably DOES NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. Your friends and family members are trying not to hurt your feelings but you can always count on Grandma Christina to keep it real. Plus, if I read another article or blog post advising men and women in the friend zone to try harder or wait longer, I am going to fork someone’s eyes out.
So there’s the main reason you are in the friend zone and since you’re not getting out anytime soon, here are 49 more. Plus Marjorie has 50 reasons and if you still don’t get it, Grandma Christina can’t help you so you may as well sit over there in your friend zone and stop crying about it.
50 Reasons You Are In the Friend Zone
1. He or she does not want to date you and has told you numerous times, but in your head you still have a chance.
2. You are too needy. Like constant texting, phone calling and messaging, needy.
3. You are always hanging around waiting for relationships to go bad, thinking you’ll get a chance.
4. You are unattractive and think being nice is all that matters.
5. You have bad hygiene and think being nice is all that matters.
6. You are not very smart and think being nice is all that matters.
7. You pretend to have the same interests when it’s clear you hate Downton Abbey.
8. You constantly complain to everyone about being too nice.
9. You tell people you are single because you are too nice.
10. You are a douche.
11. You honestly believe if you were douchier, you’d get a date. Even though you are already a douche.
12. Your friend doesn’t really even want to be friends with you but you guilt him or her into keeping the relationship.
13. You refuse to believe that your friend isn’t slightly interested in you.
14. You make up excuses for why your friend only wants to be your friend.
15. You speak badly about every person your friend dates because he or she is not you.
16. You honestly believe no one is good enough for your friend except you and boy is your friend lucky you want him/her.
17. You tell your friend that no one wants you. (By the way, no one wants to date the guy that NOBODY else wants.)
18. You seriously hope your friend will feel sorry for you and just date you.
19. Your friend is moving forward and you have no motivation to do anything with your life.
20. Your friend has said he/she isn’t ready to date but dates everyone except you.
21. Your friend has told you he/she is not attracted to you.
22. You feel like your friend owes you something for hanging around forever.
23. You have already dated or slept together and the person doesn’t ever want to do that again.
24. All of his/her friends and family think you are a big weirdo.
25. You have threatened to kill yourself if the person stops talking to you.
26. They don’t want to hang out with you at all but you force them to at least be “friends”.
27. You call, text, email, and message constantly about how lonely you are. See #2.
28. Your solution to every problem he/she has is “you could date me”.
29. He/she puts you in the friend zone because it’s nicer than telling you to get bent.
30. You constantly remind your friend that you are nicer than anyone he/she has ever dated.
31. You think taking pictures of yourself with deer asses is sexy.
32. You believe that only the ones you don’t want, want you. Except no one really wants you.
33. You think everyone wants you except your friend.
34. Your friend hooks you up with anyone including homeless people, hoping you will eventually go away.
35. You are so available, it is sometimes confused with stalking.
36. Your friend is attracted to whatever gender you are not.
37. You get jealous and angry when your friend is dating someone and reminds everyone how GOOD GUYS NEVER EVER WIN. Because, you know, women only like bad guys.
38. No one likes you as much as you do.
39. Your whole life revolves around whether today is the day your friend decides to date you.
40. You think every blog post is about you.
41. You give really dumb first date gifts. Including uncomfortable Valentine’s Day gifts that say “BE MINE” to people who don’t want to be your Valentine.
42. You pretend you’re hanging around because you’re the only person on earth who really has his/her best interests in mind.
43. You beg to do menial tasks for your friend and then when he/she complies, you never let them forget about how you DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM.
44. You tell everyone that he/she is YOURS even though you’re not dating.
46. You have never told your friend you are interested and when asked you make gagging noises and act like you’re not interested in “that way”.
47. You made your friend promise to marry you if he/she is still single in 20 years.
48. You show up at your friend’s home or job uninvited. Frequently.
49. You don’t like kids and your friend happens to have kids.
50. You translate every nice gesture into “she totally wants me”.
See? We are helpful. Go read the other 50 reasons at Don’t Call me Marge.
By the way, Happy Valentine’s Day.
All over your inbox
- Marjorie McAtee on Stupid List Friday: Why Sister Wives Work But Brother Husbands Won’t
- Ned on Stupid List Friday: Why Sister Wives Work But Brother Husbands Won’t
- Richard Allen on How I Kicked Ass All Over My 2013 New Years Resolutions
- Marjorie McAtee on How I Kicked Ass All Over My 2013 New Years Resolutions
- Ned on How I Kicked Ass All Over My 2013 New Years Resolutions