How I Kicked Ass All Over My 2013 New Years Resolutions

In case you haven’t noticed we are thisclose to wrapping up 2013. It seemed like just yesterday I was telling you about my brilliant plan to keep the Christmas tree up all year. It’s still up by the way, still has a Facebook page and a Twitter account no one uses. We did it, guys. And I’m probably never taking my Christmas tree down ever again. However, my daughter asked me when we would dispose of the rotted up Jack O’Lantern from 2012. It’s currently covered up with snow but here it is in July.

Jack O Lantern 2012

Jack O Lantern 2012

My mom said I need a hazmat suit to get rid of it because there appears to be black mold. FYI: Don’t leave your pumpkins outside for years because I guess it isn’t safe. The tree, however, blends in with the decor indoors and my daughter and her friends pretend it’s part of a Monster High doll forest.

Welcome to the hood.

Anyway, I started thinking about all of the New Year’s resolutions I kicked ass at this year. Just kidding. I never make New Year’s resolutions. I did, however, figure out that if you make your list at the end of the year and cross things off, you’ll be far more successful. I am brilliant. I know.

Work From Home

I began writing full-time somewhere in June. I wish I could honestly say I planned that, but I didn’t. It just seemed to happen. So this probably would have never made a real New Year’s list of resolutions anyway. But, had I known it was going to happen, I totally would have added it to the list.

Leave the Christmas Tree Up All Year

I have been super successful at this one. The tree is still up. Only a few people have made comments about it – it’s like no one even notices a huge jacked up looking Christmas tree in my living room anymore. During the summer, my daughter’s friends were all like, “Whoa, lucky. Your Christmas tree is still up.” I know that’s only going to last until someone tells them it’s actually WEIRD to keep your tree up all year, but for now it puts me on the neighborhood’s Top 10 Parents list. (Probably not, I made that up.)

Stay Single

I can’t believe how successful I’ve been at being single all year. It’s like being single should be my job, I am so good at it. I know you’re thinking this is probably easy and no one sane would make it a New Year’s resolution but so what. You don’t know how hard it is for someone as awesome as I am to STAY SINGLE THIS LONG. All it took was a dedication, not getting any dates, and repeatedly threatening guys with nut-punching.

Hate On the Girl Scouts

I don’t know if I made this resolution this year or every year but I have made it through 2013 successfully hating Girl Scouts. I was so good at hating the Girl Scouts, my daughter isn’t even a Girl Scout anymore. If you don’t know what I’m talking about see this post where I almost died selling Girl Scout cookies and this post where I got brainwashed at some kind of weird Girl Scout potluck ceremony.

Cuss More

My plan was to either cuss less or cuss more but since I definitely haven’t cussed less this year, I am going to say my New Year’s resolution was to cuss a lot more. So much that people would get uncomfortable and make weird faces like they’re trying to tell me nicely that someone died. “You know, you really cuss a lot. Especially on your blog.” The other part of my resolution was to reply to all comments like this with at least two curse words and I don’t want to brag, but I’ve been successful at that too.

It’s pretty clear I also kicked ass keeping New Year’s resolutions. I know a lot of you have a list ready for 2014 and by February everyone’s going to be like meh, I’ll start over in 2015 and at the end of the year you’ll feel shitty for never keeping your New Year’s rezzies. I am saving you from becoming a failure again this year.

So, which 2013 New Year’s resolutions did you keep?



  • Ned

    Your scheme is Brilliant!

  • Marjorie McAtee

    “You know, you really don’t need to cuss all the time.” “How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up.”

  • Richard Allen

    I don’t know what to say.