batman

People that Probably Died In the Parade After I Left

By On July 10, 2012 · 13 Comments · In Uncategorized, Wisdom You Won't Use Anywhere, You're Not Going to Believe This Ish

It’s been too long.

But, you know what makes me write like a worm crawled into my underwear? Getting a text message from a friend that says “Why are there no new posts on your blog?!?!”

So thank you, friend for being my worm. 1

In order to come up with anything somewhat entertaining (may as well say it is because you don’t get any money back here) I have to backtrack to the 4th of the July. I don’t usually do much for the 4th of July besides watch fireworks and for the most part, I wish I didn’t have to do that either. Call me Scroogery McScroogery but add fireworks to the list of things I only keep doing because I have a kid–which is pretty much everything except sleeping.

Also for some strange reason, fireworks look similar every year and have every year of my 30 something years of watching them. I cannot think of any show that was memorable or that would look any different than the ones on television if we just stayed home.

Sort of like Mount Rushmore. That’s exactly what my brother looked at me and said during one of our family trips as children. “What’s the big deal. It looks exactly like it does on tv.”

This year though I got fancy and went to a parade on the fourth with my sister and her boys, during a record breaking heat wave that resulted in hundreds of people passing out on the curb with their faces sucked dead up to their skulls. 2

It was so hot…

I made a list of people that probably died in the parade after I left:

1. Two Batmans. One on each side of the street. If I ever give anyone any advice for surviving in desert conditions it would be DO NOT WEAR BLACK RUBBER SUITS.  Pretty sure both of them died and it wasn’t worth it. The parade had no superhero batman theme, so they dressed up like that and died for no reason. Plus my nephew totally yelled that dude wasn’t the real Batman.

He’d still be our favorite Batman if he would’ve stayed out of the parade.

2. The Entire Band. I saw at least  4 large groups of chubby people wearing way too many clothes, marching in the parade. Be mad at me if you want, but chubby + wool/polyester + blowing or yelling in something + 400 degrees hot = well, it was nice knowing you but if you’re going to do that, we’re going to let your little brother sit in your spot at the table from now on.

3. The Bingo Truck. I am pretty sure if you are over 75 you are not supposed to be AT the parade when it is over 100 degrees out, let alone IN the parade. That truck full of Bingo players was toast. Old people toast. Literally.

4. At Least 3 Horses. I know I said people, but nowadays we count horses too and I saw a horse in the parade laying in the street with his hooves in the air. When I walked up to him to make sure he was okay, he said “Gimme those damn freezies, biznatch and find me a super soaker.”

The only reason we survived was because about a third of the way through the parade the kids begged to go home. They didn’t even want anymore candy. And who can blame them, it was hot and people were winging tootsie rolls and frisbees at their heads. But then we all went to Culver’s and had ice cream and lived happily ever after and I think it all taught the kids a very valuable lesson:

You don’t win, if you die in the parade.

And also, yay ice cream.

What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen in the heat?

  1. He totally wants to be a worm. ↩
  2. Made that up. ↩

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  • Rissa

    Ex Marine hubby having to do PT (workout) outside mid-day in 115+ heat. The military police at the gate laughed and said, “PT in this heat? Poor B*stards.” and waved me through the gate without even checking my ID.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      I’d let you go thru too. Not like you look like a terrorist. My dad was in the military. They used to run up and down mountains in the heat. Insane.

  • http://ciaraballintyne.com Ciara Ballintyne

    Well, it’s not currently hot here, and I wish I was hot, just so I could maybe feel my toes again, but your attitude to 4th of July sounds like mine to New Years’ eve. Yep, those fireworks look the same every year.  I’ve never seen them except on Tv because seriously people camp out at the best locations on Sydney harbour’s foreshore for WEEKS. OK, maybe not weeks, but at least all day. Maybe the day before…

    Your Batman story reminded me of a work conference I went to earlier this year. Dinner was at Movieworld, Gold Coast, Australia, and halfway through dinner I realised Batman was standing behind me… Creepy!

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      If I had a dollar for every time someone said fake Batman was creepy…

  • Wned

    I read #4 like 5 times and sat here chuckling ’cause I think I used to own that horse… Most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in the heat? Uh, me… riding one pissed-off horse on the surface of Mercury, training for competition riding…
    “You climb down off my back for just one second, and I will stomp you flat, little man… AND WHERE”S MY DAMNED SUPER-SOAKER?”

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      They love some super soakers, right? Can’t blame them when it’s 1000 degrees outside and someone is riding you around and making you talk fancy.

  • http://twitter.com/ScarletWLand Scarlett Wonderland

    LOL I love he shouted he wasn’t the real batman. If he did survived I bet that cut him deeply on an emotional level x

    • Christina Majaski

      Can’t fool these kids, Scarlett.

  • http://www.somethingauthorly.com/ Himbokal

    One, I am an unabashed firework lover (though I prefer all the danger that comes with shooting your own) and two, I did see a fireworks display this year that was totally different.  I was at the San Diego firework display where they accidentally shot every single firework in 15 seconds.  I was impressed.

    Ridiculous thing in the heat: Two men in their mid to late seventies at golf course in Palm Springs wrestling behind one of the greens.  It was at least 100 out.  They were kicked off the course and we later found out they were fighting because one thought the other had stolen his bloody mary.

    The most disturbing part of this story is who the F drinks a bloody mary when it’s 100 degrees out?  And who fights a person over it?  That’s the work of a mad-man.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      I may fight a person over a bloody mary. That’s the problem with heat. Makes you cray. 

  • http://www.singleguywithkids.com/ Steve

    This is funny! I am glad a worm got into your underwear. Ha!

    I always wondered why kids loved getting tootsie rolls whipped at their heads. We don’t do frisbees in Jersey. I completely agree about the Batman thing especially since Spiderman came out in the movies on July 2nd. 

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      You guys do bricks out there, don’t you?

  • http://www.theworld4realz.com/ Andi-Roo

    So glad I’m not the only one under-whelmed by fireworks. My hubz loves them more than the kiddies, though, so we have to see them every year. Which means parking like 500 miles from where we sit on a hill, trekking all the way there & back in 600 degree heat, then stuck in traffic even though it takes 3 hours to walk back to our car after the show is over. And it’s always on a week night, too, so the hubz has to get up early the next morning, making it the most stupid waste of an evening EVER. I’d much rather sit at home & watch re-runs of Dr. Who. We get books from the library & talk about what things like freedom & independence really mean, which is a way more meaningful way to experience the holiday IMO. Can you say, AIR CONDITIONING? lolz