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Single Mothers: 10 Guys You Should Not Have Sex With

I bet someone is thinking right now that these 10 guys are the same ones that no one on earth should have sex with. But, there is a big difference because being a single mother and actually having offspring changes the game completely. There are guys you can sleep with (ie almost everyone in the universe) as a childless single person that you should not have sex with (ie almost everyone in the universe) as a single mother. If you are a single mother, sooner or later you will be bored, lonely, and needing the company of an adult male and I guarantee one of these guys will be placed as either a challenge or a joke a la God, right in your face. I.promise.you. Just like quitting cigarettes, the urge will dissipate so go home, drink a beer, and go to sleep. Eat a bunch of cough drops. Make yourself wait at least 10 days before having sex with any of these guys and then if you still feel like it’s a good idea, go for it.

Actually, if you still think it’s a good idea, you probably waited 10 days for no reason.

1. You Don’t Have to Cook Dinner Because My Mom Did

aka Basement Dweller, Attic Dweller, Kid Whose Parents Hope You Marry Him So He’ll Move Out. I bet you 5 bucks if you have sex with him, he will try to move in. So go ahead and do it, wait for him to hit you with the “I want your face to be the last one I see when I go to sleep and the first one I see when I wake up, every day” line and then come back and give me my 5 bucks. 1

2.  Pea Brain is Smaller Than Your Kid’s Brain

Dating not-very-smart guys is kind of entertaining and almost always results in a kick ass blog post, but as a single mother, sleeping with a guy whose brain waves never really kick in will irritate the piss out of you- especially if you craved adult conversation in the first place. It will also result in bickering between the guy and your child. You are looking at me crazy right now and asking “Who cares if he’s dumb?” Trust me, your kid(s) will. If there’s one thing I know about kids is they love to tell you when they’re smarter than someone else and you do not want it to be the guy you are sleeping with.

3.  Criminal

I know what you’re thinking…criminal sex and stuff. Well, stop it big freak. It’s all fun and games until that fool kills you. 2

4.  Married Guys

Married guys are supposed to have sex with their wives. I didn’t make up that rule, someone else did. It seems like all the super hot ones are taken because they are, but there are also a lot of ugly ones that are taken that no one else wants except their spouses and I don’t even know how that is helpful but there. I said it.

5.  Men With Heart Problems, Hearing Problems, or Athlete’s Foot

Pretty sure sex will not be very enjoyable if he suffers from any of these ailments. Hint:  Could die in the middle, probably won’t hear you, and I believe may have a bad odor. I went on a dinner date with a guy that couldn’t hear well and yelling “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” across the table multiple times almost won him a salad fork in the ear and me in jail. I seriously imagined that during dinner. Except in my imagination, I stabbed him in the ear and yelled “Can you hear me now?” threw up the peace sign and left.

Also, not a good idea to keep around bad heart, can’t hear or athlete’s foot guy if your kid is like mine and will call him out on any of these things. Example: Mom, why can’t he hear and why does his feet stink?!!!

6.  No Transpo Man

I wouldn’t normally say this is a deal breaker, however as a single mom, you will have to consider whether you want to let this fool sleep over until morning because you can’t leave in the middle of the night to drive him home. Men also don’t like to be asked to leave (don’t ask me how I know that, just sort of guessing), so telling him to catch a bus in the middle of the night is probably not going to go over well either.  3

7. Kids Are Scary

He’d let a kid kick him in the nuts. As they say, kids smell fear and my daughter knows full well how to make you cry. Don’t sleep with a guy that’s scared of kids. He will also be afraid of spiders and I’m not trying to have relations with a guy that can’t kill a spider for me when I need him to.

8. I Love Love Love Kids So Much When Do I Meet Yours

No one loves other people’s kids that much before he has met them unless there is something really really wrong with him. Otherwise, he is just pretending to be a kid guy to sleep with you. Don’t sleep with guys that pretend to be something they are not. Unless it’s Iron Man. It’s okay to pretend like you’re Iron Man. Sometimes.

9. Men That Can’t Speak English

I went to dinner with an Asian guy that I thought was asking me if I was on welfare. After about the third time and right before I was about to yell “Welfare this!” and salad fork him, I realized he was actually asking me if I had been to the World Fair. Which by this time meant if that’s what we were just talking about the whole time, I missed an entire conversation and also almost wrongfully assaulted someone. I am not sure how much communication is actually required for sex, but for the most part, you will need to speak the same language. You do not want to find out afterwards that you missed an entire conversation (nor do you want to wrongfully assault anyone because of it).

10.  I Tongue Kiss My Dog Sometimes

I just added this because it’s gross. I’m no animal hater, I actually like dogs and cats and friendly furry creatures, but I’m not kissing anyone that has been kissing their dog or cat. If you can’t kiss them, you probably don’t want to have sex with them. I know, I know…dog mouths are cleaner than…blah blah blah that’s a myth. Use your brain, how can it be cleaner when they eat shit?

So there you have it, me in all of my dating and sexual advice giving wonderfulness. For the sake of your children and for your own sanity and piece of mind, I suggest you heed my warning and never ever have sex with any of the 10 guys aforementioned.

But if you do, make sure you tell me so I can laugh at you and write a blog post about it.

What types of women/men will you absolutely, under no circumstances never have sex with?

 

  1. Unless there is a really good reason they are living at home.
  2. Specifically serial killers.
  3. I am considering whether I would allow you to ride a bicycle to my house.

Comments

comments



  • http://twitter.com/tomtrad1 Kirsty

    Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything (ahem), I would like to confirm about n°6. Even worse than sleeping with him of course, from a purely hypothetical point of view, would be to live with him for, oh, say, 14 years and have two kids with him. Not that I would ever do a thing like that you understand. But just puttin’ it out there, just in case…

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

       hahaha… if that did happen, you’d be doing the world a favor by telling other women that it isn’t a good idea. We all go through hard times but 14 years is a long time to be unemployed…all hypothetically speaking, of course.

      • http://twitter.com/tomtrad1 Kirsty

        It’s only a long time if you spend those 14 years actively looking for work… I mean, if you have a stupid girlfriend (hypothetically, of course) who’s paying your way, there isn’t much incentive is there? When you’re a deadbeat with psychiatric problems, I mean… 

  • Abdul5140

    Ladies who wear shirts with big letters such as “Spoiled”, Brat, Yes, Princess. Grown women carrying themselves like that tend to be people who cant accept their teeny-bopper days are long gone. Not to mention probably spoiled daddy dearests types.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

       Even better if any of these words are in big letters on the back of their pants. So classy…

  • http://ciaraballintyne.com Ciara Ballintyne

    I was a 1. when my husband met me LOL. But I think I may have come under the ‘without good reason exception’. No.4 was my good reason i.e. I was getting divorced because someone else broker rule No.4. Oh, and he had multiple personalities, but minor detail, minor detail.

    No.5 Maybe it’s OK for your kids to bag him out about how much his feet smell as long as he ALSO has hearing problems? At least he can’t hear it!

    What type of man would I absolutely not have sex with? the one who just asked me could he have a threesome with me and my friend, and if no, how about just me? Um, no. Just NO. Oh, and men with multiple personalities are now off my list as well.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Now I must run over and read about multiple personality guy. Here I thought I’d already seen all types of crazy…guess not.

  • http://www.scarletwonderland.com/ Scarlett

    LOL! you also need to add the guy who is secretly gay and sleeping with you to get written into his parent’s will… you’d be surprised at how many here are… x

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Did you see that Becky mentioned the same thing? I’m beginning to worry…

  • http://beckyispassingthrough.blogspot.in/ Becky

    Nice. The only one I disagree with is the foreign guys. That can be hot. If I may add one? The guy who is questioning his sexuality. Who has time for that?? Get yourself together, then call me if you’re still interested.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Oh no, totally okay with foreign. I just think it’s helpful if you speak the same language. You and Scarlett must’ve run into the same guy.

  • http://twitter.com/thefadderly Fadderly

    hilarious!  too many good lines in here.  think i like this one the best:  “…Eat a bunch of cough drops…”

    i’m pretty sure i don’t fall into any of those categories, so, I’m good…

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      That probably makes you a single mom magnet. Lucky you.

  • http://darkstormyloopy.blogspot.com/ WowThatWasAwkward

    This is awesome.  If I end up on a date I’m not enjoying, I’m going to revert to becoming as many of these ten things I can for the remainder of said date.  If only I knew this during my bacon date.  You also have me thinking about the opposite version of this.  I could give a top twenty of women to avoid.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Brang it, Awkward Man.

      • http://darkstormyloopy.blogspot.com/ WowThatWasAwkward

        Single Dads: 10 Chicks You Should Not Have Sex With:

         

        1.    
        Your cousin. 
        Or any relative really.

         

        2.    
        The girl from my bacon date.  http://darkstormyloopy.blogspot.com/2012/01/date.html

         

        3.    
        Your employee(s)

         

        4.    
        The girl that has a dog she treats like a human.

         

        5.    
        The girl with lots of cats.

         

        6.    
        The ones that cost cash up front.

         

        7.    
        The chick with the ‘cold sore.’

         

        8.    
        Any ‘gal’ that has a lower voice than you.

         

        9.    
        Your babysitter. 
        I know it’s a fantasy – keep it that way.

         

        10. Married
        chicks.  Unless they are really hot and
        don’t know your real name nor where you live. 
        Wait, did I just say that out loud? 
        No, you should not have sex with married women.

        • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

           Next time you’re supposed to snap your fingers and say “brought-en”.  Thanks for throwing in cold sore chick and grossing everyone out, btw.

  • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

    Wow, as far as I know I passed your 10 point checklist! (I’ve never been diagnosed heart problems, hearing problems or athletes foot at least lol) I feel like a Honda certified used car.

    I came up with some more for your list!Guys with more Pink clothes than you.Guys who have worn out an Xbox controller in the last year.Guys who use any type of moaning woman as a ringtone. Guys who are secretive about their prescription medication.Guys without children that have several seasons of iCarly on their DVR As for women, here’s the types of women that I, under no circumstances will have sex with (since you asked … I just realized that 2 & 7 may be too serious lol).  I also could be exagerating, wouldn’t know until I found myself faced with a girl who failed the stupid test, was blessed with incredibly good looks, and was interested in casual sex. I wonder how my willpower would hold up lol. Like most men, the thought crosses my mind to jump the bones of anything with nice legs that ISN’T a piece of kitchen furniture. This is what a Help Wanted Ad describing standards for sex partners for most men would look like: females who are originally from Planet Earth between the ages of 18-80, do not discriminate against the blind, crippled or crazy. For Drunk girls = if you are too drunk to drive to my place, walk. If you are too drunk to walk, crawl. If you are too drunk to crawl, I’ll drag you. If you are too big to drag, I may have to reconsider relations…. but probably not! 

    1. Women that are significantly taller and or weigh more than me

    2. Women who used to cut themselves or have turned a story about a guy they’re ashamed to have slept with into a story involving rape (both of these happen more than you’d think)

    3. Women who do not know the capitol of the state they live in (can’t be too dumb. I tried to pick an intelligence test that excluded total airheads, but not too hard – after all, didn’t like 90% of Miss USA contestants not know who the Vice President was?)

    4. Women who work at a “Ranch” that is mysteriously devoid of horses

    5. Women with an Adams apple (Not going to play that lottery)

    6. Women with more tattoos than fingers, or more than 15% body coverage, or more than 10 fingers.

    7. 20 y/o girls with Cancer (Not being inconsiderate, but this usually means cervical cancer that was gotten as a result of contracting HPV from my understanding?). 

    I hope I’m not too picky lol

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

       If you are too big to drag…

      I don’t think you’re being too picky, Adam. I think your standards are pretty low. You can find at least 10 chicks that meet your requirements at a Walmart on any given weekend. I’ve seen plenty that don’t have an Adam’s apple and probably don’t have cancer…not sure though.

  • http://www.somethingauthorly.com/ Something Authorly

    It’s a little weird for a guy to chime in on this topic but whatever.  Other guys that you shouldn’t take your pants off around:

    -Any male past the age of 21 that has posters with girls in bikinis (or less) on their bedroom walls.  This went out in the 80′s.  Also your computer is dripping with porn.  We get it.  You’re straight.

    -Men (or anyone) who use the words moist and panties.  It hurts to type these words.

    -”Bros”.  You know who they are.  If the ratio of the words bro and dude to words that aren’t bro and dude is 1:1 or higher; run for it.  They will be a terrible influence on your kid.  You will eventually have the following conversation with your kid:

    Parent: “How was school today?”

    Child: “Bro, it was lame.  My teacher is such skank, dude.”

    Parent: “Can you not call me ‘bro’?  I’m your mother.”

    Child: “Somebody’s on the rag, yo!  Chill, dude.  I’m not trying to be a dick.”

    As for women not to have sex with….drawing a blank right now.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

       It isn’t weird, Mr. Authorly. As you can see, the mens have blown my blog post out of the water. Great advice on bros btw. Although I think I’m probably too old to date anyone that talks like that. And if he’s my age and talks like that he probably also thinks he’s still one of the Back Street Boys. Thanks for the tips. My friends down there can help you with women you should not have sex with. Three words:  Cold Sore Girl.

  • Timbyt

    Well I would draw the line on a Woman who eats her own ear wax! ;) :)))

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

       Are you being funny? I had a friend in high school that ate her ear wax. I think I blogged about that.

  • http://twitter.com/bubblegumcari Cari Wegner

    The comments are as hilarious as the post.  Well done, another hit from the book of Maj.  Also I would add anyone that wears Zuba’s, ie. Hammer Pants or looks like Vanilla Ice might have issues letting go and nobody wants a restraining order.  Men that just got out of jail or that are in Prison too.  Don’t dispute it, I just saw a documentary on this crap.  Guys that tell you they love you and can’t live without you after the first date.  RUN!  And lastly, single Mom, don’t sleep with Politicans…..single mom gets blasted on in the media and the whole “single moms are easy and lonely” thing never goes away.  

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Yeah, the comments ended up being better than the blog post. I ain’t mad. I can’t believe you brought up Zubas man- who incidentally will also be rocking a bald on the top mullet GUARANTEED.  

  • http://www.singleguywithkids.com/ Steve

    This is funny. When are you gonna make a list up for us guys? We need to know which women to avoid. 
    Thankfully I don’t fit any part of that list you wrote. Then again, I can hear so much better now that I have a utensil sticking out of my temple.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      There are a couple lists down there of women to avoid. Girls with cold sores, girls with Adam’s apples, etc etc. 

      Salad fork head. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

  • http://sleeplessinnewcastle.wordpress.com/ Keith Addison

    This made me laugh a lot.  You have a wry wit and the comments are funny to read as well. Can’t wait for the next installment!

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Thank you, Keith. 

  • http://www.theworld4realz.com/ Andi-Roo

    Back when I was a single mom, before my hubz, before my ex, I went out a couple times. By “couple” I mean two, just so no one misunderstands or makes faulty assumptions. I was lonely & eager both times, & both times picked losers with whom to spend time. They both “fell in love” or whatever & kept calling & calling & calling… it’s nice to be wanted, but seriously? To be honest, I was just looking to get laid, not get involved. Stalker types, much? 

    I must have TELL ME YOUR STORY written on my forehead because weirdo guys (never the good ones or the hot ones, only the weirdo ones, so I’m not patting myself on the back here, promise!) always end up chasing me, & weirdo girls chat me up in the lady’s room. 

    I guess I exude a persona of deep empathy, which is funny because really? I don’t give a shit about your story & I kind of hate you a little bit. <- that is directed at the weirdos, not YOU, Christina! :)

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      You only went out two times. I think you did okay. It sounds like you have a lot of relays (male and female) with odd people.  *my counseling voice except I have no advice.

  • http://twitter.com/dino_dogan Dino Dogan

    HA! :-)

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      HA! backatcha…

  • george

    Don’t hook up with a guy that does “massage therapy” on the side either….its a front to have sex with men, women, and whatever!!