Single Mothers: 10 Guys You Should Not Have Sex With

I bet someone is thinking right now that these 10 guys are the same ones that no one on earth should have sex with. But, there is a big difference because being a single mother and actually having offspring changes the game completely. There are guys you can sleep with (ie almost everyone in the universe) as a childless single person that you should not have sex with (ie almost everyone in the universe) as a single mother. If you are a single mother, sooner or later you will be bored, lonely, and needing the company of an adult male and I guarantee one of these guys will be placed as either a challenge or a joke a la God, right in your face. I.promise.you. Just like quitting cigarettes, the urge will dissipate so go home, drink a beer, and go to sleep. Eat a bunch of cough drops. Make yourself wait at least 10 days before having sex with any of these guys and then if you still feel like it’s a good idea, go for it.

Actually, if you still think it’s a good idea, you probably waited 10 days for no reason.

1. You Don’t Have to Cook Dinner Because My Mom Did

aka Basement Dweller, Attic Dweller, Kid Whose Parents Hope You Marry Him So He’ll Move Out. I bet you 5 bucks if you have sex with him, he will try to move in. So go ahead and do it, wait for him to hit you with the “I want your face to be the last one I see when I go to sleep and the first one I see when I wake up, every day” line and then come back and give me my 5 bucks. ¹

2.  Pea Brain is Smaller Than Your Kid’s Brain

Dating not-very-smart guys is kind of entertaining and almost always results in a kick ass blog post, but as a single mother, sleeping with a guy whose brain waves never really kick in will irritate the piss out of you- especially if you craved adult conversation in the first place. It will also result in bickering between the guy and your child. You are looking at me crazy right now and asking “Who cares if he’s dumb?” Trust me, your kid(s) will. If there’s one thing I know about kids is they love to tell you when they’re smarter than someone else and you do not want it to be the guy you are sleeping with.

3.  Criminal

I know what you’re thinking…criminal sex and stuff. Well, stop it big freak. It’s all fun and games until that fool kills you. ²

4.  Married Guys

Married guys are supposed to have sex with their wives. I didn’t make up that rule, someone else did. It seems like all the super hot ones are taken because they are, but there are also a lot of ugly ones that are taken that no one else wants except their spouses and I don’t even know how that is helpful but there. I said it.

5.  Men With Heart Problems, Hearing Problems, or Athlete’s Foot

Pretty sure sex will not be very enjoyable if he suffers from any of these ailments. Hint:  Could die in the middle, probably won’t hear you, and I believe may have a bad odor. I went on a dinner date with a guy that couldn’t hear well and yelling “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” across the table multiple times almost won him a salad fork in the ear and me in jail. I seriously imagined that during dinner. Except in my imagination, I stabbed him in the ear and yelled “Can you hear me now?” threw up the peace sign and left.

Also, not a good idea to keep around bad heart, can’t hear or athlete’s foot guy if your kid is like mine and will call him out on any of these things. Example: Mom, why can’t he hear and why does his feet stink?!!!

6.  No Transpo Man

I wouldn’t normally say this is a deal breaker, however as a single mom, you will have to consider whether you want to let this fool sleep over until morning because you can’t leave in the middle of the night to drive him home. Men also don’t like to be asked to leave (don’t ask me how I know that, just sort of guessing), so telling him to catch a bus in the middle of the night is probably not going to go over well either.  ³

7. Kids Are Scary

He’d let a kid kick him in the nuts. As they say, kids smell fear and my daughter knows full well how to make you cry. Don’t sleep with a guy that’s scared of kids. He will also be afraid of spiders and I’m not trying to have relations with a guy that can’t kill a spider for me when I need him to.

8. I Love Love Love Kids So Much When Do I Meet Yours

No one loves other people’s kids that much before he has met them unless there is something really really wrong with him. Otherwise, he is just pretending to be a kid guy to sleep with you. Don’t sleep with guys that pretend to be something they are not. Unless it’s Iron Man. It’s okay to pretend like you’re Iron Man. Sometimes.

9. Men That Can’t Speak English

I went to dinner with an Asian guy that I thought was asking me if I was on welfare. After about the third time and right before I was about to yell “Welfare this!” and salad fork him, I realized he was actually asking me if I had been to the World Fair. Which by this time meant if that’s what we were just talking about the whole time, I missed an entire conversation and also almost wrongfully assaulted someone. I am not sure how much communication is actually required for sex, but for the most part, you will need to speak the same language. You do not want to find out afterwards that you missed an entire conversation (nor do you want to wrongfully assault anyone because of it).

10.  I Tongue Kiss My Dog Sometimes

I just added this because it’s gross. I’m no animal hater, I actually like dogs and cats and friendly furry creatures, but I’m not kissing anyone that has been kissing their dog or cat. If you can’t kiss them, you probably don’t want to have sex with them. I know, I know…dog mouths are cleaner than…blah blah blah that’s a myth. Use your brain, how can it be cleaner when they eat shit?

So there you have it, me in all of my dating and sexual advice giving wonderfulness. For the sake of your children and for your own sanity and piece of mind, I suggest you heed my warning and never ever have sex with any of the 10 guys aforementioned.

But if you do, make sure you tell me so I can laugh at you and write a blog post about it.

What types of women/men will you absolutely, under no circumstances never have sex with?

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