Stupid List Friday: 5 Surprises You Should Not Pack in a School Lunch

I hate torturing you all with back to back Stupid List Friday posts but

1.  We have to get past the fart post

because this really happened…

2.  I happen to have a Stupid List Friday already written.

I started writing for another website and one of the first articles I was assigned was 5 Surprises to Pack in a School Lunch. I found myself at 2 a.m. writing an article that I am fairly certain they would have fired me for. In an attempt at originality, I had actually inadvertently spent an hour on 5 Surprises You Should NOT Pack in a School Lunch. I may be slow sometimes, but I know this was not the article they wanted. Plus, I also accidentally included the word damn, which is on a Do Not Use Cuss Words list, along with my all time fave “SHIT”.

Damn. So here we are.

1.  Scary Toy that Yells RAHHH

Okay, this suggestion is sort of unrealistic as I don’t know of any toy that does jumps out by itself and yells RAHHH except the ones I imagine in my mind and laugh about. Unless your kid is like me and scared of clowns, you could totally do this with a screaming clown doll. However, be prepared for a call from Homeland Security and a riot in the lunchroom because of your lunchbox surprise.


2.  Pixie Stick With Nothing in It

Kids love those little straws filled up with koolaid. Imagine how happy he or she would be to find one in their lunch! Except sorry, little kid, you can’t eat all that damn sugar at school because you’ll act a damn fool and the Social Services will show up at my house. So, you get an empty one. Also probably leave a note letting the child know you actually ate all of the koolaid out of it before packing it.  Works with empty Kit Kat wrappers also.

3.  A Dirty Sock

What. That’s just funny.

4.  Bad News Letter

I bet every kid at the lunch table gets a mom note and they all say the same thing. Love you, have a good day, you’re the best kid on earth. My suggestion was to pack a note that said “you’re in big trouble when you get home” to be funny, like I Saw What You Did Last Summer funny, except for a kid this could make the remainder of the school day quite stressful and riddled with anxiety.

Other mom notes you shouldn’t include:

  • I’ll be picking you up in my Wonder Woman pajamas after school.
  • Ask your teacher if he is single.
  • I am eating ALL of your Halloween candy.
  • We’re moving while you’re at school and not telling you where.
  • I threw away all of your Squinkies.
  • I am playing your Nintendo DS and messing up all of your worlds on Super Mario.

5.  An Onion

My friend, Nicholas Morine, said not to pack onions or turnips. I kind of disagree, because everything I’ve read online says to send fruit and vegetables dressed up as people. That’s what they say kids like. Your kid will be the only one with a Mr. Onion in his lunch box, so thanks Nicholas, but I think you’re wrong.

because it’s the thought that counts

Which reminds me, I also found out that although they loved the articles, I need a couple quotes. If you have anything I can add which has to do with lunch box surprises or saving money on school clothes, leave your name and contact information so I can quote you. I already thought of every asinine answer on my own, as you can tell, so don’t try to out asinine me.

Do you pack special stuff in your kid’s lunches? And what do you think is the worst thing to get as a lunch box surprise?



  • Cari Wegner

    “Your brother is my favorite” and “Daddy and I are getting divorced” are always nice lunch notes too. Once I saw two Amish kids shooting back Pixie Stix in the bathroom like it was crack. Devil’s playground. I have nothing to say about the onion, because you know my feelings on food that is altered to look like a person, place or thing…ain’t right. I have nothing quotable, and even if I did, probably advisable you don’t use it for legal purposes, for your own protection, of course. Parents should pack their kids lunch so their kids aren’t eating the nitrite, fat, pesticide laden cafeteria food. Sure it has gotten better, now it is a law that the child take a fruit or veggie, so now our kids are forced to take the fruit cup with the gray shriveled up grapes. Mmmm nutritious, I’ll take the clown.

    • Christina Majaski

      Pretty sure the original Pixie Stix had coke in them. Just like Coke. And girl you’re supposed to send the banana with the eyes on it, not the fruit cup with the rancid grapes. Don’t you ever look at Pinterest

      • Cari Wegner

        Only for hot dog recipes.

  • Sunithi Selvaraj

    Hilarious ! Like the messages & I might just use a couple. Who knows we may have them ROTFLOL and just make their day a little funnier ! How about ” TV broke, but I got Shakespeare for you to read” Know that one will freak my kid out ! Or ” Ate up all the cookies & cream making a batch of healthy spinach ice cream for you ” As for Lunch , My kids take packed lunch everyday, but never packed their Lunch *bad mommy* ! Dad’s always done it but know he packs a fruit, water and some other stuff. Think I’ll contribute by doing the quirky notes ! great idea ! The onion would make a great Halloween snack :) ! Worst thing for my kid’s to get in a lunch box would be *Empty* and a note saying … we’re fasting today !

    • Christina Majaski

      Quite possibly the funniest comment you’ve ever left. I think I’ll use the fasting thing and spinach ice cream some day. Hilarious.

  • WowThatWasAwkward

    You always make me laugh! I love the note saying you are in big trouble when you get home. I hate making lunches. It’s amazing how a five minute task pisses me off every morning.

    • Christina Majaski

      Well, you could let them make their own lunches. But, there’s a good chance this means they’ll take a bag full of tootsie rolls to school. And that’s probably not right.

      • WowThatWasAwkward

        I read the first sentence and immediately thought, yeah right, candy is great for lunch and boom – you really have thought this through. Instead of freaking out my kids, I’d probably improperly encourage them with notes such as, “Applesauce best eaten in huge mouthfuls immediately followed by fake sneeze before swallowing.” Or, “Please rub peanut butter and jelly all over your face and then turn to the kid next to you and ask what time it is with a straight face.” Or, “Enjoy this bag of marshmallows. Have fun seeing how many you can stuff in your mouth without swallowing.”

  • Fadderly

    growing up, my ol’ man occasionally thought it hi larious to pack me “gainesburger” sandwiches. those days were always a hoot. for my friends and the ol’ man. me? not so much.

    i’m not scarred from it, either.

    • Christina Majaski

      hahahah….damn that should’ve been on the list.