Stupid List Friday: 10 Most Memorable Emails on Match.com

I knew it wasn’t going to go well when Match.com rejected my profile because it was “unintelligible”. My initial response was “Get bent, biznatches.” And then I calmed down and I was like “You stupid shits, how does Mr. “afrade” and “lonlee” pass, but I have to write a thesis.”

And then I rewrote it. Unfortunately,  I still don’t know which part was unintelligible, I just changed it to something I thought was unintelligible and it passed.

Well, all except for the second rejection which said I included something offensive. Not sure about that either but I took out the kicking puppies part (and other presumably offensive things) under my interests and replaced it with “everything I was going to put here was deemed inappropriate.” Win. It passed.

Short Summary of My Profile:

98% of the guys didn’t even read it. I did not include more than 3 sentences for any answer. I did not use complex or difficult words; I did not go into great and wonderful detail about myself. It should’ve been a really quick read. You would think people would have at least skimmed the damn profile that I worked on for exactly 10 minutes, before emailing that they enjoyed my sincerity. For one, I said I wanted someone that played the ukulele or someone in a ukulele band. I also said I was in the Invisible Pink Unicorn religion and that I was known as the Asianator by nobody but me. I’m not sure these people understood the definition of sincerity.

I have planned a couple more posts about my experience with Match. I should note that I did not pay for the services with Match. If you want to try it out, I would suggest going for a free trial offer or something. If you don’t sign up for any offer, you can’t do anything except feel really good about receiving a gazillion winks and a bazillion emails that you can’t read. I think they should call it the vanity package. If you want to actually read the emails and correspond with anyone, you will need to sign up at least for the trial period.

And then, all hell breaks loose.

Not really.

I received many entertaining emails, but I thought I’d share a list of the most memorable. I haven’t included user names because that’s kind of shitty, but if you are interested in dating any of them, message me and I’ll send you the deets.

10 Most Memorable Emails I Received on Match.com

1. “Hi how are you doing? How is your day going? I like dogs. I had a German Shepherd.”
2. “Hi, can you do me a favor? I just posted a picture but I can’t see it. Can you tell me if you can see it? I was wondering if you might like to meet for a drink.”
3. “I enjoyed the sincerity of your profile. It revealed evidence that your outer beauty is only a small part of a much more special, and more enchanting inner you…”
4. “I’d learn the ukulele. Do you want to meet sometime?”
5. “Is a guitar the same as a ukulele? I have a guitar.”
6. “I would love to learn more about you to see if we can consolidate.”
7. “A first date idea might be grilling something. One can grill more than steaks. It could be corn, vegetables and pineapple too.”
8. “I can’t spell ukalalee but I can learn to play one.”
9. “Oh drafts. I have a Ouija board.”
10. “I know your gig. You pretend to be strange hoping it will scare guys off. But really you want someone to hold you tight through thunderstorms and make sure you eat right to maintain that beautiful skin of yours.

I am probably going to be just as bad at online dating as I am in real life dating.

Three questions for you:

What is the weirdest thing someone has told you when you first met them?

Have you tried online dating or Match.com?

Which one should I try next?

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