Stupid List Friday: 5 Reasons I Will Probably End Up Being a Crazy Cat Lady

I’ve been going through my annual “Why Am I Single” kind of pondering and just like all of the other times I’ve delved deep into my soul to figure something out…

I’ve come up with nothing.

I figure being a single woman or crazy cat lady for the rest of my life is something I may as well accept. I’ve already accepted I’m bitchy, I am annoying, I think I’m funnier than I am, and of course mommy bloggers hate my guts.  Here and here and probably some other places. (I am pretty sure this paragraph needs to go into my online dating profile.)

5 Reasons I’ll Probably End Up Being a Crazy Cat Lady

1.  No one is asking me out. 

Okay, this isn’t completely true, I don’t really get out and about like I used to. Meaning I go to work, the grocery store, to dinner occasionally and sit at home all hours of the night doing more work and entertaining you folks. Not sure where exactly in these activities I’m supposed to meet someone to ask me out, but it’s taken a while to figure out that this is a necessary part of the equation.

Guys approach me at the gas station, but since they’re usually asking about my car, I assume they’re actually trying to go out with the car. I believe also that sometimes they just need a dollar for gas so they can get to Texas where their 5 kids are waiting for them. That isn’t considered being asked out. ¹ I have also recently given up Jackass Whispering. So there’s that.

2.  I am Super Picky or Code Word “Selective” aka Delusional

A couple friends have told me this recently; one said it outright, the other rephrased it nicely into “you’re selective”. Whatever, I know what that means. It means maybe my standards are way outerspace-ish, like I’m sitting at home expecting The Rock or George Clooney to call me up. Seriously, that’s stupid. They  don’t have to call a text is just fine. To be honest, I agree that I am either super picky or highly delusional. I figure I kind of settled and wasn’t as selective as I should have been the first 10 years of my dating life, I may as well kick ass at not settling (or being delusional) now.

3.  My Kid Likes Cats

I can’t say I really enjoy the furry shits, but the kid does. I don’t understand the fascination with cats and frankly it kind of weirds me out a little. But, if I’m planning on being a cat lady I should also plan on having my child live with me until she is elderly also.  That’s how it works, right? I’m not rounding up, feeding, and litter boxing all those cats by myself anyway so if she isn’t part of the deal, I may have to settle for just Crazy Lady. Or Crazy Goldfish Lady. Also can’t wait to tell the kid that living with me until she’s elderly is part of the agreement..

4.  Crazy Cat Lady Perks

There are benefits and perks to being the Crazy Cat Lady of the neighborhood. One is you get to yell at kids when they pass by your house. I plan on yelling, “BACON BASTARDS” and other such randomness. You know, things that will get most regular people punched, but yet make kids think “what the hell does that mean?” and “Dear God, please don’t ever let me end up being the crazy cat lady.” Other crazy cat lady perks include rock throwing and having stories made up about you like the one time the kid walked by your house and saw you snatch a live bird from a tree and you bit its head off. That’s awesome.

5.  Smock and Sock Wearing

Sometimes the crazy cat lady wears a robe, but for some reason I imagine them wearing smocks and knee high socks or stockings. I would also wear fuzzy slippers. I wear stuff like this now, but just not 24/7 and not out at the grocery store, okay maybe 22/7.  In fact, I’m probably going to stop buying clothes now. I only really need pajamas, now that I think about it. My kid asked me for pajama jeans the other day. I don’t know if she’s trying to force me into early crazy cat lady-ness, or if she just has really bad taste.

Cat lady-ness is obviously something single women think of often. I found this almost completed blog post in my drafts after my two besties had already had a war over who is and isn’t a crazy cat lady. See that? March 16. Note that the draft before it is about kicking kids’ asses. I’m guessing I was going through something super traumatic or really, really struggling that night. (If you can’t read it, click on it. Too lazy to fix it.)

I should finish that one. I can think of a million reasons to kick a kid’s ass.

Anyway, if you want to know what else a crazy cat lady does, read this post (it is going to become my cat lady manual). And if you want to read a rebuttal to that post about why a certain someone IS NOT A FROCKING CAT LADY, read this one.

For now, I choose to embrace my destiny and must begin rounding up kitties.

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