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Stupid List Friday: 5 Signs He May Be a Serial Killer

On my most recent date, we discussed the serial killer issue. (Don’t judge. What else were we supposed to talk about?) I have this habit of mentioning to people that someone knows where I am “in case you are a serial killer” or I need to drive “in case you are a serial killer” and you know what else? Spaghetti. Because you may be a serial killer.

We ended up agreeing that the only reason I, or any other woman, would say these things is not because we really think YOU may be a serial killer. It is more of an announcement that in case you didn’t know, we are aware that serial killers exist and if you turn out to be one, well I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.

Somewhere in the conversation, my date also mentioned if he wanted to be a serial killer, it would probably be easy and he’d be pretty good at it. And then I remembered the fork in my purse that I had stolen from the coffee shop and planned out how I was going to fork his eyes out if we ended up in the woods somewhere. I am not sure what that says about me. But never mind that.

(You’ll be happy to know that either none of the forking part actually happened or my serial killing date hacked my blog and is now blogging about serial killing.) In case you are ever unsure about your date, here are signs he may be a serial killer. 1

He Tells You He’d Be a Kick Ass Serial Killer

Generally, dating is a lot like selling yourself. I don’t mean literally, that would be prostitution. But people want you to know they are good at things like frisbee because back in the cave days when men had to prove how manly they were, they did it via frisbee championships. Hardly ever, will someone tell you they would be good at serial killing. Under most circumstances, if someone tells you he or she would be good at being a serial killer, I’d probably suggest jumping from the car and deleting them from your contacts. Or, make sure you have a fork in your purse and FORK HIM.

He Shows Up With a Sword

All serial killers chop people up. I don’t know why and I don’t mean to make light of anyone who has been chopped up. If dude (or chick) shows up with a sword and it is not either Halloween or a planned sword fight, be careful. This goes for machine guns, butcher knives and maybe…life sized baby voodoo dolls.

A knife like this, for instance.

Real Life Crazy Talk

I watched a documentary in my teens about Ed Gein, the real life serial killer who inspired characters like Norman Bates in Psycho. The most memorable part of the documentary (for me) is when they were interviewing Ed Gein and asked him “What does a bird in the hand beats two in the bush mean?”

And this fool said, “If you have a bird in your hand and you squeeze it too hard, you might kill it…”

At the time, I fell over laughing. But seriously. That wasn’t a good explanation. Which means, to me, that he probably said a lot of crazy shit and people knew he wasn’t right all along. YOU KNOW when someone says something that ain’t right.

Laughing at Inappropriate Times

Sure, you may think it’s inappropriate to think Ed Gein was funny. What can I say, back then I didn’t know any better. But generally, the rule of thumb is: If you are told someone died, you don’t laugh. Unless they died by creating a flamethrower to burn down a beehive. That’s different. Because dammit, that. is. funny. 2

He is Stocking Up On Ketchup at the Grocery Store

This is probably the most obvious sign that dude may be a serial killer because for some reason, serial killers are also often cannibals. If you end up at the grocery store on a date (unless it’s an Asian market, of course) and he’s hoarding all of the ketchup or any other condiment like a couponer, he may be planning on a barbecue you don’t want to go to. Remember though, a trip to the grocery store by itself is in no way a dealbreaker. I’ve known people that have gone to Long John Silver’s and Walmart on their first date.

Also wanted to let you know my date saw road kill and said “ew. gross.” Which pretty much convinced me he was not a serial killer. If however, he had pulled over, instagrammed some pictures of the road kill and then created a collage for me…

Well, I don’t know. What do you think?

 

 

 

  1. If you are looking for real signs, this is not going to be helpful.
  2. I am not a serial killer. No really.

Comments

comments



  • Marjorie McAtee

    If he has a case of paper towels, a bucket of bleach, rope, a shovel and rubber gloves in the back seat of his car…

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Or maybe he’s a landscaper that cleans houses.

    • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

      Unless he has a pink shirt with a popped collar. If so, then that’s just going to be the best fraternity prank of the year!

  • keni|moto

    I would definitely pullover to instagram roadkill, but I would never make you a collage with the images…

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Too bad. That would be an awesome gift.

  • keni|moto

    Had a girlfriend once…She was a profesional Muay Thai Kickboxer (champion fighter btw). When she got mad at me she said “i’ll kill you and make it look like an accident”. Is that a sign of a serial killer?

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Hell no. She’s awesome.

  • Ned

    Whoa! You had me going for a second, there… I hardly ever–I mean Never! Never, ever show up with a sword, unless it’s planned ahead of time…
    … and always remember that very special dance:
    heel to the top of the foot
    knee to the groin
    when he doubles over, grab the shirt collar and pull forward to send him down face first
    Do not go for that extra kick; that’s when he grabs your leg
    Run
    Enjoy your next date!

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      That sounds fun. I’m going to do that even if he isn’t a serial killer. Practicing now. And yeah, at least give me a heads up if you’re going to show up with a sword ;)

      • Ned

        Totally rocks to Gangnam Style!
        I will never go out dancing with you… nothing personal, you understand.

        • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

          You will and you’ll like it.

  • http://twitter.com/BeautyNthaBook Beauty&TheBooks

    I have to disagree with the first point. I read a book once. About psychopaths – if you think you may be one (or a serial killer) you aren’t. Unless you’re also a narcissist.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      That’s a good point. Applies to crazy people too. Crazy people never say they’re crazy.

  • ginavalley

    I’m just so very, very glad I’m not dating. I don’t think I could be polite through a whole meal if someone did or said something stupid. I’m sure I would ask the wrong questions. And, now I find out we aren’t supposed to date serial killers? There are so many rules! It’s too exhausting!

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      You’d be fine as long as you remember #ThreeGboobs. And you can date serial killers…at least until they kill you.

  • cereal killer

    Carry a high power UV light in your purse and scan the back of his car.

    • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

      you know, I drew dirty sketches in special ink on my car seats and bed sheets just in case somebody ever does that!

      • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

        You’re telling all of your secrets, Justice.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Helpful advice, Cereal Killer. Only problem is, carrying a UV light in my purse probably scares off normal guys more than the fork.

  • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

    Or when you ask me why there I get 2 electric bills and I tell you the second one is not for my dungeon, it’s not for my dungeon alright? I mean I don’t have a dungeon. And about swords, why would I have a dungeon and not have a sword? I mean I don’t have a dungeon…. so I don’t have a good excuse for the sword. But you like renaissance fairs right?

    I bet you’d feel real bad when you find out that all that ketchup is for the bulk tater tots I bought for the orphanage.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      I knew someone would come up with a legitimate excuse for all the ketchup. Now I feel bad. Also, Justice, is this dungeon near the couch I was going to share with your grandma? Probably should’ve mentioned that before.

      • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

        lol no, it would have been under the house that burned. It was there when I moved in, so they added the square footage on the appraisal arrrgh!

  • http://twitter.com/MelissaTarot Melissa Tarot

    “Spaghetti. Because you may be a serial killer.”

    I fucking love you so hard for that.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      You can love me harder. I know you can.

  • http://twitter.com/bubblegumcari Cari Wegner

    What the hell can I write that can compete with Justice’s comment? Nothing, that’s what. Although, figuring out if someone is a serial killer is a nice cross off the “con” list, but then you still have to figure out if they are just plain crazy. Usually serial killers have a good background story, like a whole hour long E! True Hollywood Story, plain crazy doesn’t get you crap, and there is usually no back story. So I think I’d date serial killer over crazy fool and be ready with my fork.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Yeah,@etelligence:disqus has a way of shutting shit down. Agreed, serial killer beats crazy fool any day.

  • WowThatWasAwkward

    I dump my killer girlfriends before they gain serial status. Some people ask how many different women I’ve had sex with. I ask them how many men they have killed.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      Isn’t there a rule book somewhere that states you DO NOT ask how many people anyone has had sex with OR how many they have killed? People need to start following rules more.

      • WowThatWasAwkward

        Hey Constanza, you have it wrong. It’s the opposite of that. People need to follow rules less often.

        • WowThatWasAwkward

          Costanza. Shoot!

  • http://twitter.com/ScarletWLand Scarlett Wonderland

    I can’t tell you how much I laughed at the ketchup one… I’m going to be walking around my supermarket much more cautiously now! x

  • http://www.theworld4realz.com/ Andi-Roo

    LOL… the bit about road kill made me think of that character on Dexter who was responsible for cleaning up dead animals… & of course he was a serial killer. And then I started to wonder about other animal-related occupations… like, are dog catchers serial killers, too? I mean they even have a van. My hubz is a manager for a pet supply chain. I wonder how many people he has chopped up & sold as cat scratching posts. hmmm…