On my most recent date, we discussed the serial killer issue. (Don’t judge. What else were we supposed to talk about?) I have this habit of mentioning to people that someone knows where I am “in case you are a serial killer” or I need to drive “in case you are a serial killer” and you know what else? Spaghetti. Because you may be a serial killer.
We ended up agreeing that the only reason I, or any other woman, would say these things is not because we really think YOU may be a serial killer. It is more of an announcement that in case you didn’t know, we are aware that serial killers exist and if you turn out to be one, well I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.
Somewhere in the conversation, my date also mentioned if he wanted to be a serial killer, it would probably be easy and he’d be pretty good at it. And then I remembered the fork in my purse that I had stolen from the coffee shop and planned out how I was going to fork his eyes out if we ended up in the woods somewhere. I am not sure what that says about me. But never mind that.
(You’ll be happy to know that either none of the forking part actually happened or my serial killing date hacked my blog and is now blogging about serial killing.) In case you are ever unsure about your date, here are signs he may be a serial killer. 1
He Tells You He’d Be a Kick Ass Serial Killer
Generally, dating is a lot like selling yourself. I don’t mean literally, that would be prostitution. But people want you to know they are good at things like frisbee because back in the cave days when men had to prove how manly they were, they did it via frisbee championships. Hardly ever, will someone tell you they would be good at serial killing. Under most circumstances, if someone tells you he or she would be good at being a serial killer, I’d probably suggest jumping from the car and deleting them from your contacts. Or, make sure you have a fork in your purse and FORK HIM.
He Shows Up With a Sword
All serial killers chop people up. I don’t know why and I don’t mean to make light of anyone who has been chopped up. If dude (or chick) shows up with a sword and it is not either Halloween or a planned sword fight, be careful. This goes for machine guns, butcher knives and maybe…life sized baby voodoo dolls.
Real Life Crazy Talk
I watched a documentary in my teens about Ed Gein, the real life serial killer who inspired characters like Norman Bates in Psycho. The most memorable part of the documentary (for me) is when they were interviewing Ed Gein and asked him “What does a bird in the hand beats two in the bush mean?”
And this fool said, “If you have a bird in your hand and you squeeze it too hard, you might kill it…”
At the time, I fell over laughing. But seriously. That wasn’t a good explanation. Which means, to me, that he probably said a lot of crazy shit and people knew he wasn’t right all along. YOU KNOW when someone says something that ain’t right.
Laughing at Inappropriate Times
Sure, you may think it’s inappropriate to think Ed Gein was funny. What can I say, back then I didn’t know any better. But generally, the rule of thumb is: If you are told someone died, you don’t laugh. Unless they died by creating a flamethrower to burn down a beehive. That’s different. Because dammit, that. is. funny. 2
He is Stocking Up On Ketchup at the Grocery Store
This is probably the most obvious sign that dude may be a serial killer because for some reason, serial killers are also often cannibals. If you end up at the grocery store on a date (unless it’s an Asian market, of course) and he’s hoarding all of the ketchup or any other condiment like a couponer, he may be planning on a barbecue you don’t want to go to. Remember though, a trip to the grocery store by itself is in no way a dealbreaker. I’ve known people that have gone to Long John Silver’s and Walmart on their first date.
Also wanted to let you know my date saw road kill and said “ew. gross.” Which pretty much convinced me he was not a serial killer. If however, he had pulled over, instagrammed some pictures of the road kill and then created a collage for me…
Well, I don’t know. What do you think?