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Stupid List Friday: A Meat Rocket, Disco Stick and a Cheesy Twinkie Walk Into a Bar

…the bartender says “someone must have asked Twitter for a non-offensive term for penis.”

The “someone” would be me in case you didn’t catch that. I figured if I just titled the post “What I Would Do if I Had a Penis”  (although perfectly clean and legitimate) my blog would end up in some kind of porny, not for children, hell for bad bloggers.  Then I realized that could happen anyway but it’s just a boring title. I am praying that if any of my posts ever go viral it is not this one (fully prepared for huge Stumble numbers just because that’s how Stumble messes with you).

So, I asked Twitter. “What is a non-offensive term for penis?”

  • Pole
  • Schlong
  • Weiner
  • Meat Rocket
  • Disco Stick
  • Magic Stick
  • Cheesy Twinkie (I’d seriously advise against using this one)

So, there you have it.

And here we go. If I had a penis…

1.  I Would Pee Anywhere I Want. Duh.

All women wish at some point in their lives that we could pee anywhere we wanted to. Yes, I know it’s possible and sometimes we end up squatting in bushes, but it isn’t nearly as convenient as standing next to a tree and just pissing.  One day I will give you the play by play but let’s just say it isn’t easy. There have been a number of times when I have filled up on gallons of coffee, drove for hours and hours and was too scared I’d get kidnapped to pull over at a gas station. I have heard women can pee in the car, but since I don’t want to crash and die with urine all over myself, I won’t try it. Instead, I just sit there and pee and stay alive, while hoping that once I reach my destination, no one notices I have pissed on myself.

2.  I Would Wear a Speedo for No Reason

Like at the gym or yoga. Because come on, a chick wearing a speedo stuffed with something unexpected. That’s funny.

And then I’d make it a free image on Morguefile.

3.  I Would Punch My Own Junk 

I threaten to kick people in their nuts all the time (which yes, I know, are a different part of the body) but since I can’t really kick myself in the crotch, I’d definitely punch myself in the crotch so I know what it felt like. That way whenever guys told me “you can’t joke around about stuff like that. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I can say, “Well actually, I do. I have punched my own penis which means that I am now an experienced penis punchee.” And then I could punch them in the crotch for trying to tell me what I can/cannot joke about.

4.  I’d Do Jumping Jacks in Front of the Mirror

Isn’t that what guys do? I’d crank up some “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” and do jumping jacks in front of the mirror. For about 10 minutes. Then, I’d run in place for about 10 minutes and possibly engage in the Running Man for about two before putting this on and making it my new Facebook profile pic.

 

Which also makes a great Valentine’s Day gift. I bet.

 

Probably use the photo on all of the dating sites too because it’s important for prospective dates to know upfront that they are dealing with the WHOLE package.

5.  I’d Name It Something Better than Disco Stick

I figured out why men name their genitalia such stupid names. After much research on the topic, I’ve realized that there really isn’t a good name for it. I mean, Disco Stick, really? I had considered naming my next child Stabby, but now I think it would make a better name for a penis. I would also paint faces on it with a balloon on my thigh that says “RAWR, bitches”. And then I would kick back on the couch with a beer and talk to it all night.

What I Would NOT Do If I Had A Meat Rocket

Notice there is no sex mentioned. No, I would not suddenly decide to go bang all of my friends or sit around and play with it all day. I would also not grab or scratch it in public. That’s just rude.

And, I’m more creative than that.

What do you think? Those who are penis-less: what would you do if you woke up with a penis?

And for everyone: Is the term “penis” offensive in a blog title? Or is Meat Rocket, Disco Stick and Cheesy Twinkie worse?

Make sure you visit the sites of the Twitter friends who helped:

This Daddy’s Blog

My Crazy 4

Me and My Tadpole

Grey Flannel Suit

Don Stugots

Gina Valley (who provided “wee wee” “dingle dangle” and “pee pee”)

 

 

 

Comments

comments



  • Marjorie McAtee

    You should have just thrown in lots of extra vowels like peeeeniiiiiis. Google would never catch that.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      What I Would Do With a Peeeeeniiiiis I’m afraid that adds something strange to the title.

      • Marjorie McAtee

        I wanna know how you got a peeeeeniiiiis and don’t have testicles and are also still a girl. WTF IS GOING ON CHRISTINA??

        • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

          I didn’t say I had one. Stop trying to SEO me in chicks with peeeeeniiiiisesss

          • Marjorie McAtee

            You know you need the traffic.

          • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

            No one needs traffic that badly.

  • WowThatWasAwkward

    You should be nicer to your penis. Numbers 2, 3 and 4 are all abusive. Number 1 is indeed awesome – mother nature is a man’s bathroom. As for number 5, why do women think men all have names for the big guy downstairs?

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      None of that was abusive. Btw, I don’t trust men who name their body parts with words like Big, Super, or Rocket. Not sure why.

      • WowThatWasAwkward

        So if you met a guy that wanted to introduce you to Super Big Rocket, what would you do?

  • http://twitter.com/bubblegumcari Cari Wegner

    No, nobody needs traffic that badly, MM. Well I personally think all dudes have a name for their penis, it does have a mind of it’s own sometimes, therefore they can’t be held responsible for the trouble “Fred” got them into. At least that’s what I’ve heard. I would name my penis Samuel L. Jackson, enough said. Also if guys had boobs they’d play with them all the time, and it’d be a nasty world because there would be no bras…dudes aren’t messing with that apparatus. If I had a penis I’d pee wherever I wanted and go fishing. I think that’s why women don’t go fishing as much, the whole where do you pee thing. Actually I’d just say I’m going fishing.

    • http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

      I think I know a lot of women who would pee over the boat. I’m not sure how, but I bet they do it.

      That’s what I’m calling it from now on. Going fishing.