Stupid List Friday : How to Make the Woman You Like Hate You

One of my fellow single parents on Twitter mentioned he had missed an opportunity at the grocery store because a hot chick smiled at him and he froze like an idiot and basically just drooled all over himself in the canned food aisle. (I added everything after the word froze, by the way). Being the relationship expert that I am, I gave him this advice:

Next time chuck an apple at her. That always gets a person’s attention.

Am I right? Because you know, a man can dance and sing all he wants, but if you get smacked in the face by an apple at the grocery store, you’re going to stop what you’re doing immediately and look for the person that threw it.

I decided with my buddy that he should always carry an apple in his pocket in case this should happen again. This made me realize I should be giving out relationship advice more often. Even though I’m not in a relationship, I could totally be in one, and it isn’t any less legit than the other relationship experts who are elderly, married, or just plain old suck at relationships in real life. I am the real deal. If you have any relationship questions you’d like me to cover, please contact me.

 5 Ways to Make the Woman You Like Hate You ¹

1.  Hit Her in the Face With an Apple

Sorry, buddy. I have to admit that was shitty advice I gave you. We were on Twitter and I was on the spot. I also only had 140 characters to work with. In hindsight it may have been better to keep my mouth shut but if I only talked when I had something helpful to say, I’d never get to talk. Ever. Point being, if you hit a chick in the head with anything, she is probably going to hate you.

2.  Stalk Her Ass

The only person I want standing outside my window is Johnny Depp. Okay I’m lying again. George Clooney can too. But the rest of the fools that want to stalk ladies are getting a restraining order. If a woman tells you more than 5 2 times to leave them alone, or if they have had to block you, unfriend you, and move to another state, you are stalking and they will eventually not like you very much. You are also scary. The only people that like scary guys are emo chicks and zombie clown chicks.

3.  Date Her Sister/Best Friend/Mom/Dad

She won’t hate you just for dating her sister, BFF, mother or father unless you have already dated her,  cheated on her and then dumped her for someone in her close circle. In this event, you probably don’t care if she hates you, but trust me, she does and you should think twice about eating anything she prepares for family dinners and get togethers.

4.  Ask Her For Money or Food

Real homeless people who are not trying to be a boyfriend are the only people outside of close friends and family members who are allowed to ask for food and/or money. If you are supposed to be dating or in some kind of relationship and you ask for food or money, she may help you out once. If you keep asking for food or money, eventually, she will realize you are unemployed, are lazy, could be a freeloader and are also probably a douchebag.

5.  Party like it’s the 1700s

I have to admit that not all women will hate you if you treat them like it’s the 1700s. By this I mean, expect her to be a baby machine, a cooking machine, a house cleaning and a sex machine and also act like Scarecrow and not think too much.  For me though, it is almost guaranteed conflict. I mean, I’m not hanging around in 2012 to be treated like it’s the 1700s, but some women are perfectly okay with this arrangement and actually prefer to not have a voice.  If you are this guy, and the woman you like hates you for being this guy, I suggest going for a different woman — an Amish woman maybe, or one that likes watching old reruns of Grizzly Adams.

What should we add to this list? And give me some relationship questions. Totally going to start another series.

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