Stupid List Friday: Signs You Are a Stalker and Not the Funny Kind
I felt I needed to write up another post about stalking boyfriends because I was looking through the search terms and how people end up on this blog and to my surprise the most common phrase is, “How can I stalk my boyfriend?” (The other is something about farting on dates but I’ve decided one fart date post is enough.)
For boyfriend stalking, all you really need to know and what I usually think when I see the search term is: For fucks sake. Didn’t you read the last post I wrote about this? Don’t stalk your damn boyfriend. I think we came to some kind of conclusion that stalking is only justified if:
A) Someone is dying by someone’s hands other than your own.
B) You are married and you just need to be sure your spouse is a cheating asshole.
C) You are on Cheaters and want to put on a really kick ass show.
Otherwise, stalking your boyfriend or girlfriend is wrong and stupid. And no, I’m not talking about following people on Twitter or Facebook. Plus, I could swear it’s noted somewhere in the Facebook TOS that one of the totally legit purposes of Facebook is to spy on people. I have been spying on these gangster kids for YEARS. It’s more interesting than reality television and I am hooked and genuinely need to know what’s going to happen to the 20 year old baby mama and her 5th kid after the ex tattooed her name on his FACE. ON HIS FACE, GUYS. Best Facebook statuses ever because they almost always use shouty caps, all of the words have new spellings, and most statuses end with #thuglife #deucesbitch. I’m not going to share them because you need to find your own Facebook friends to stalk. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll wonder what the hell is wrong with people. You will realize it is because of Facebook that the terrorists are winning. 1
I know we all joke about stalking someone or being stalked, but stalking is real, yo. And, it isn’t always funny.
Digressing…Signs You Are a Stalker and Not the Funny Kind
1. You Are Googling “How to Stalk My Boyfriend.”
Seriously. You’re just looking for ways to be intrusive and you can’t even come up with your own ideas. You are not only a stalker but you are also unimaginative. Also, while I may be entertaining as hell I am only a professional writer. If you rely on the information from my blog as a How To guide for anything, you are doing it wrong.
2. You Are Trying to Crack Passwords
Other search terms leading to the blog have been, “How do I find out my boyfriend’s email password” and “How do I find out my boyfriend’s Facebook password”. Stop it. There’s a good chance you don’t really want to know what’s going on if you feel like you need to hack someone’s stuff. And if by chance you are smart enough to figure it out, you will also have to figure out how to explain how your goofy ass figured it out. Unless you just say you are psychic. But, then you’ll have to also figure out how to be psychic because once you tell someone you are psychic they want to know all kinds of shit.
3. You Are Contacting Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Friends on Facebook
This happens quite a lot. I will friend someone and then suddenly get a message from some chick who says, “HOW DO YOU KNOW GORDON?” Being the grown up that I am these days, I refrain from replying, “Heifer, go ask Gordon,” and instead just reply how I know him. I am friendly about it, but in my unfriendly mind, I am thinking, “Be a woman. Ask him if you need to know something. Don’t make yourself look like a pathetic fool by asking strangers.” If you need personal information about your boyfriend or girlfriend, strangers are not the people you should be reaching out to, unless of course he or she is aware and agrees to the practice. But even then, it’s probably easier to communicate with your date.
4. You Are Trying to Manti Teo Someone
Otherwise known as “catfishing.” A good rule of thumb is, if you are trying to find out information and it takes you more than 15 minutes to get the information, you should just ask your sigother yourself. For instance, “are you cheating on me?” Do not set up a fake profile with a fake name and a picture of Taylor Swift to contact and bait your boyfriend. And if you do, don’t cry when he totally hits on her. Because duh, it’s Taylor Swift (or fill in the blank with whomever you think is a hot chick). As far as I know, this takes way more than 15 minutes. Also, if your boyfriend or girlfriend falls for this, he or she is probably dumb.
5. You Have Been Asked Nicely To Go Away
Have you ever been pepper sprayed? I have. Almost. Somewhere in the 90s someone released pepper spray in the Tanz Palast- a club in Germany. Cleared out the whole damn club and pretty much wrecked my night. People couldn’t see and were running out screaming and gasping for air. A guy I knew had an asthma attack when I didn’t even know he had asthma. I learned at that point that pepper spray is no joke and decided to add it to the list of things I’d never fool around with. Right under bears.
If you get pepper sprayed, if your soul mate looks horrified when he sees you and runs away screaming, “leave me alone”, “go away”, or “GAHHH that biznatch is CRAZY”, you are stalking him love, and it isn’t funny.
I feel like I should add that I am in no way minimizing real stalking. Real stalking is no laughing matter. If someone tells you they are afraid of you, you may be in danger of being pepper sprayed.
Have you ever been scary or funny stalked? Or…have you ever stalked anyone?
And also #thuglife #bitches #justkidding.
- Stalk me on Facebook and Twitter, btw. ↩