My friend just sent me a hilarious story about an epic farting event that occurred on a third date and eventually led to marriage. 1 It reminded me of the many times I’ve been on a date and had stomach pain that can only be alleviated by letting one rip a hole through the stratosphere. Apparently, it has to do with your diet. Some of you probably don’t even understand this sort of malady because you eat what you’re supposed to and probably never fart. This post is not for you.
A Little Back History About Me and Farting
Growing up, fart was a bad word. It still is, actually. No one says fart in my parents’ home. We made up other names for it such as “flower” because I wanted to name our dog after the skunk on Bambi. In order to get around that, my parents convinced me we didn’t want to name the dog after something that stunk. Hence, we didn’t fart. We flowered.
My daughter refers to it as “tooting”. I suspect that will last until 6th grade before the dreaded fart talk is necessary. This doesn’t mean we don’t fart in this family. In fact, my grandmother has always, throughout my entire life thus far, been the Captain of Team Fart if You Gotta. The last incident I recall was during a family picture that involved a large group- maybe hundreds- of family members.
“Say cheese, everyone!”
“Brrrrrippp. Oh my,” said Grandma.
Anyway, I am the woman who never farts in public nor in front of anyone that isn’t already accustomed to or familiar with me farting in front of them. Except that one time in Walmart when my daughter was 3 and yelled “Mommy, you tooted! Say excuse me!” and when I said “No, honey…” she yelled “yes, yes you did toot!”
“Dammit. Excuse me.”
When to Fart on a Date and I don’t mean literally. Farting on a date is just sick and unusual.
1. After He Has Farted and Then Challenges You
I have been turned off completely by men that fart before I know their last name. However, if he has farted and then turns to you and says “bring it” and you just happened to have been holding one in, I say let it rip.
And then tell him, “broughten”.
2. When You Want the Date to Be Over
I have told guys I had gas to end the date or to end their expectation of sex.
“My stomach hurts.”
“I have gas.”
“I think I may shit myself.”
It is a good sign if after you ditch them with one of these statements, they still call you the next day. It may also be a sign that they are really, really desperate.
3. If You Feel Like an Intestine May Burst If You Don’t
It would be far more embarrassing if your date has to take you to the hospital and they tell him you almost died because you were holding in a fart. If you feel like your health may be in danger, please pass gas. Tell him you would’ve died if you hadn’t and I bet God will forgive you. It’s possible God will also forgive you if you have a made up story on deck about the time you really did almost die from holding in gas. 2
4. If You Have Been Dating Awhile
I’m not sure how long “awhile” is because I dated a guy for a year and never farted in front of him except for in my sleep. Or so he says. He never quite provided proof. My brother used to tell my dates I fart in my sleep, but I’m pretty sure he was saying that as some kind of revenge for me hitting him on the head with that frozen pack of chicken that one time.
At some point, you should feel comfortable enough with the person you are dating that you can fart when you need to, and not just accidentally.
5. When Something Else Already Stinks
Whether you’re driving through chicken farm land or there is just a bad smell in Aisle 6, this is your chance to get away with it. Obviously, this only works if it’s the silent type. You can’t really blame anything else if your date can actually hear you farting. Make sure you practice your disgusted and confused face for when you look at him and say “do you smell that?” It’s also quite entertaining to blame him and let him make up the excuses for you.
“I can’t believe you just farted in front of me. That’s so rude.”
“Wasn’t me. Must’ve been your grandma.”
Or do you just fart whenever you want to? You know, if you hold it in too long…you could die. You don’t want to go out like that, do you?
All over your inbox
- Cari Wegner on Why Friends With Benefits Is Bullshit
- Hugh Liddle on Why Friends With Benefits Is Bullshit
- Christina Majaski on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch
- Gofuckyourselfoldwoman on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch
- damnstraightchristina on Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch