Stupid List Friday: Why I Can’t Pray For Duck Dynasty
I told myself I wouldn’t mention anything about Duck Dynasty because if you’re online at all, you’ve likely read and heard it all at least three times from family members, friends, strangers, stalkers, people who otherwise can’t read, and also maybe cat memes. If you want to get your point across, you have to use cat memes because as I’ve learned from a certain Facebook group I am in, no one gives a shit unless a cat is saying it.
And I am still not saying anything about Duck Dynasty. Except I heard that people are praying for them and they are thankful for those prayers.
Don’t get me wrong. You can pray for whatever you like. I just feel like I should use my praying time for important stuff, like oh DEATH. Like, please don’t let ____ die. But if God is okay with us asking for ridiculous stuff like the preservation of Duck Dynasty – which you know is a TV show, right? I mean you don’t actually think Duck Dynasty is real, do you? (God, please don’t tell me people think Duck Dynasty is real.)
As I was saying…if God has time for Duck Dynasty prayers because famine and natural disaster and DEATH don’t take up enough of his time, then I have some prayers for stupid stuff too. I can’t pray for Duck Dynasty because I have too many other dumb things to pray for first. Like these 5 dumb things:
1. Please let Kody Brown be gay
I have been thinking lately that Kody Brown seems really detached from his wives. In fact, he probably doesn’t like kids either because he sort of seems detached from them also. Plus, there was that one episode where someone from High School said everyone thought he was gay anyway. I just think if you’re going to be on a show called, “Sister Wives” and you’re the only husband to four wives, that you should be able to be honest with the Universe and just come out. We don’t need to know how you made those 40 children – that’s your business.
2. I need snow boots with heels that would be considered appropriate
And by appropriate, I mean, boots that allow me to trudge through two feet of snow without “falling and breaking my neck.” A friend recently asked why the hell I was wearing heels in the winter and I had no good reason except heels. After pondering this for about two minutes, I realized there are no cute boots with heels that are meant to be worn on ice or in snow and since I am not really meant to wear Alaskan bear-hunting boots EXCEPT FOR WHEN I AM HUNTING BEARS, I believe this is a legitimate request that should be added to the THIS IS SO DUMB list of prayers.
3. Don’t let my daughter kick anyone in the nuts for real
Remember that time I tried to tell my daughter about kicking bad strangers in the nuts? Yeah, she said she needed to carry a cat around so it could scratch people for her which made me think she didn’t get it and we walked away from the topic much like we do when we discuss all of everything we ever discuss. Except she did sort of get it, guys, and today when I asked her what she was going to do if that little male heathen bothered her again, she said gleefully, “KICK HIM IN THE NUTS”.
Me: Uh no, I don’t think you should do that. You’re only supposed to kick in the privates if someone is hurting you or trying to snatch you.
Her: “KICK HIM IN THE NUTS,” she screamed again – and, if I may add, a bit too anthemy for my comfort.
Me: No. And please don’t run around school singing that.
I would ask God to please keep my child from kicking people in the nuts willy-nilly like it’s her job. Because, that’s my job.
4. A cure for chronic gas
Because seriously. Farting is wrecking my whole life.
5. For my Chucky on the Shelf idea to take off and make millions
You know how that Elf on the Shelf makes kids behave? I want to make a real Chucky doll that shows up around the house all year and scares the shit out of everyone. That’s how you make people behave. Because Chucky ain’t no joke. OKAY guys, the Chucky that kills everyone is probably not appropriate, but tell the truth, if you knew a real Chucky was going to show up every morning in your sink or next to your bed, you are going to act right. This would probably work with a real grizzly bear, also.
Anyway, serious question. What are you praying for? Is it Duck Dynasty? People are starving, jackass. But okay.