Stupid List Friday: Why Sister Wives Work But Brother Husbands Won’t
I’ve seen Sister Wives a couple times and I’ve actually been kind of impressed how all of the wives hold it down. Kody Brown (the husband) is a moron, but his four womens handle all those damn kids, get along, take care of their homes, and actually make Sister Wives look like a laid back kinda life.
I have no idea if I could be a Sister Wife, but I know I wouldn’t want to be married to Kody Brown’s silly ass even if I were the only wife. Maybe that’s why it works because if one of those wives had to have him around full-time, there would be a bunch of Kody Brown hair pulling and bitch slapping of Kody Brown going on.
I have wondered and mentioned on Twitter whether Brother Husbands may be a better idea, for me anyway. Instead of four women and one Kody Brown, what about one woman and four husbands?
1. Too much laying around and ball scratching.
— Niki Baker (@GlitterAndTonic) December 7, 2013
Like, I don’t know. Maybe you’re a different kind of dude but in my experience, men aren’t really comfortable unless they are scratching their privacy. And this activity goes hand in hand with TV watching, so pretty sure four husbands are going to spend a lot of time engaging in one or both of these activities. Then you have to constantly scream at a house full of dudes to wash their hands before touching the lettuce and end up turning into the crabby old mom of the house. And seriously, “Geez. Someone’s crabby” would be murmured like four hundred times a day.
2. Someone has to cook more than macaroni.
And it probably isn’t going to be me. I’m not cooking for four damn husbands and unless one of the husbands is a chef, you’re going to end up eating a lot of microwave burritos, hot pockets, Doritos, mac and cheese with bologna mixed in, and spaghetti because men love to say they’re cooking when they make spaghetti. DON’T LIE. YOU KNOW A GUY WHO SWEARS HE CAN COOK BECAUSE HE MAKES THE BEST SPAGHETTI.
3. How in the hell are you going to find four not crazy men?
Kody Brown found four fairly attractive, mostly intelligent, reasonable women to marry him. I don’t mean to offend men, but how the hell are you gonna find four not crazy men you want to keep around like that? Or four men who want to even be married? Trust me, the ones who will agree to it are the ones NO ONE WANTS and are really just looking for somewhere to live and eat macaroni.
4. There will be injuries from being stupid.
Four men are going to wrestle – or rassle because that just sounds funnier and someone is going to get hurt while rassling. Or someone will be injured in a fight over the XBox. Four husbands means multiple visits to the ER because they don’t know how to be entertained by sitting still for five damn minutes without falling out of tree or something. Or is that children I am thinking of. Same thing, sometimes.
5. You can’t leave men alone for four days.
On Sister Wives, the women ended up moving from a big house where everyone had their own spaces, to four separate homes. Poor Kody has to visit each home like Uncle Traveling Matt, every four days. The women do what they do while he’s gone, and when he returns they’re all happified. Men can’t be left alone for four days. Every time you visited a home, trees would be missing, shit would be burnt down, walls would be painted colors that don’t go with anything, and something would be wrecked. And then you’d have to pretend they did a good job so they wouldn’t get butt hurt.
After reading the replies on Twitter, I learned that the four husband/one wife situation has worked in some areas. Like Tibet.
And when men would go whaling for four years and had a good chance of dying and not returning.
@cmajaski Seems Nantucket women would have multiple husbands. The men would go whaling for 4 years at a time and no guarantee of returning.
— NollaigShonaDhaoibh (@shoirca) December 7, 2013
That would probably work. What do you think?