Stupid List Friday: Why Columbus Day Is a Bullshit Holiday

I know this has been covered a gazillion times by websites and writers way more talented and qualified than I am, but once again we are nearing Columbus Day and people are still celebrating like it’s a legitimate holiday.

Although I get plenty of legal holidays off from work, Columbus Day isn’t one of them and it isn’t in the new job either. Just in case you were going to accuse me of talking shit while frivolously celebrating bogus holidays. I don’t expect people that do have the day off to boycott by going to work either.

But people are celebrating. My inbox is filled with tons of fantastic Columbus Day sales. Well, you know if we want to get down like Columbus, maybe we need to enter Macy’s, steal ALL of the Ralph Lauren Romance perfume (this is what I wear by the way) and then claim to have discovered Target while there. Also, don’t forget to rape and murder everyone.

Good times.

Why Columbus Day is a Bullshit Holiday ¹

1.  A holiday is supposed to commemorate an event or person. In this case Columbus Day would be commemorating Christopher Columbus and his discovery of North America. In case you haven’t already been informed however, Columbus didn’t discover North America. So, we look like a bunch of ignorant dipshits for commemorating and holiday-izing a guy that didn’t do anything for us. In fact, there are long lists of people who supposedly discovered North America, all of which fail to mention the people who lived here first.

2.  His name wasn’t even Christopher Columbus. I’m not sure why we have to rename stuff but if you insist on celebrating this man, you should probably use his real name. Which incidentally could be Christoffa Corumbo (maybe too close to Asian), Christobal Colon (I would choose this one because we are currently lacking holidays with the word colon in them), Christoforo Colombo or Pedro Scotto. This one made me particularly happy, as I could see all of the rednecks’ heads bursting into their possum soups upon the announcement of Pedro Scotto Day.

We ain’t no Mexicans. We ain’t celebratin’.

3.  He was not good at his job. At all. Since when do people who mess up everything they touch get to have a holiday named after them? Besides not discovering North America, and believing when he was here that he was in India, Columbus destroyed Hispaniola (okay, maybe he wasn’t entirely responsible for that) but was eventually arrested, stripped of any noble titles and in his last trip to Panama, had to abandon his ships because of the natives. And then he died.

4.  Considering what happened to the natives after North America was discovered, I wouldn’t think it appropriate to celebrate any part of its “discovery”. Unfortunately, it’s pretty well known that Columbus and the people after him, robbed, raped, captured, enslaved and killed almost an entire civilization for gold and tobacco. ² Should we really be celebrating in his honor?

5.  He was not well liked. Aren’t most of the guys we celebrate at least a little likeable? George Washington is. Abraham Lincoln is. Martin Luther King, Jr. is, JESUS is. As noted previously, Columbus was actually put in jail for messing shit up. I think there is probably a reason, that although other nations celebrate “discovery” holidays, no one else specifically celebrates Christopher Columbus, or Pedro Scotto Day.

Only us, who for some reason haven’t figured it out yet. Do you know there are companies that recognize Columbus Day but not Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? Of course you do. And now that I think about it, I can’t remember the last time I received a notice for an MLK Day sale…but maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, Happy Pedro Scotto Day. Enjoy.

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